


My So-Called Life

by jabbertune



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Friends to Lovers, High School, Humor, M/M, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Underage - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:37:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6539293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabbertune/pseuds/jabbertune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-"So I kind of love him but he's a fuckass and probably doesn't love me and ugh." "That's mildly depressing." John/Kar with hints of lots of other couples. AU Please R&R.</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>This is a fic that I wrote back in 2012 when Homestuck was running rampant. In honor of Homestuck ending soon, I thought I would upload it to ao3 and maybe even finish it. Please leave a comment if you read!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hi, Hello, Hey There

**Author's Note:**

> so i wrote this way back in 2012, right before i graduated high school. i'm taking this from my old ff.net account, in case anyone has seen it before. i'm not going to change a single thing about it, so please enjoy the spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. notes at the beginning of the chapter are the original notes with the story since some of them offer some insight into the fic. anyway, please enjoy!!
> 
> link to original: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7757664/1/My-SoCalled-Life
> 
> \---
> 
> A/N: I should be working on my other fan fictions. I should be doing school work. I should be doing a lot of other things than writing this. But here I am. To be honest, I don't even know what I'm doing with this right now. I came up with this idea at like eleven at night and jotted down my idea before passing out. But then I noticed that there aren't as many Homestuck fan fictions there should be, so now here I am.
> 
> So, this entire story is Karkat's POV. The trolls are also humans. This is obviously an AU. They're also not thirteen in this, that'd be weird. So let's say everyone's, like, 16-17. Yeah, that doesn't sound so weird.
> 
> Anyway, I hope that people enjoy this. Let me know if I start to ramble in this story. I tend to do that. Let me know what you think!
> 
> NOTE: I am in no way bashing Dave. I love Dave. A lot, actually. But, if you were in Karkat's situation, wouldn't you act the same way?

LLLLLLLLLL

Hi. My name is Karkat Vantas and I fucking hate myself right now.

I mean, I don't normally hate myself. A lot of people do, but not usually me. As weird as it sounds, I'm normally pretty comfortable with myself. But right now – actually, lately – I haven't liked myself too much and I blame it on John Egbert.

I blame everything on John. He deserves most of the blame, honestly. Him and his stupid blue eyes and the way he's always nice to me and offers a hug even though I clearly don't want it and listens to all my rants and that goddamn _smile_ of his. Seriously, that fucking smile.

…

So that probably just said a lot about me. A lot of awkward things about me. It's hard to insult John inwardly without going off on a tangent like that, which happens more often than I'd care to fucking admit. But just look at him. _Look_ at him and tell me it's hard to not think those things. And then tell me it's hard to not punch him in his goddamn face for being so fucking… him.

I remember when I first met John. We were only thirteen and stupid and he believed that he could be friends with any fucking person that walked past him. His inability to tone down his kindness is what originally drew me to him. I thought, hey this kid seems nice. Then I realized why he had no friends because he annoyed the shit out of me.

No matter what I had to say back, John would always enjoy it. He _enjoyed_ me screaming at him and threatening bodily harm. He would always laugh along and joke and encourage whatever I was saying. Sometimes he got annoyed by it, especially lately, and ignore me. Ninth grade was the first time I pissed John off so bad he didn't talk to me for two days. I don't remember why he was so fucking mad at me – I don't even remember what I said – but it was then I realized how much I needed him in my life.

It was also then I realized how much of a fucking girl I can be.

I've tried my very damn best to not have a repeat of that. It's happened a few times, but John doesn't go so long without talking to me anymore. It's more of a "I'm not going to talk to you for a few hours and then act like nothing happened" sort of thing. That's fine with me. It beats going two whole fucking days without talking to one of your best friends.

Those two fateful days in ninth days also made me realize something else. This is something I haven't admitted to anyone, something I haven't told a soul – not even my cat. This something requires a new introduction, I think.

Hi, my name is Karkat Vantas. And I fucking like John Egbert.

000

"Hey Karkat!"

Breathe, breathe. For the love of fucking God, _breathe._

"Karkat!" He called again. I felt my heart give a violent throb as I tried to steady my breathing. My face flushed as I heard John walking closely behind me, his big clumsy feet thudding on the ground.

Inhale.

Exhale.

_Breathe_. This can't happen every single fucking time John runs up to you.

"Dude, I've been calling your name for, like, five minutes." John loudly said as he plopped down next to me. He wasn't "calling my name" or whatever. I'm just sitting here, waiting for school to start, minding my own business.

"No you haven't." I mumbled in response. It's too early in the morning to think of anything better. John leaned forward over the table, stretching his arms across it. He looked like a cat.

"Man, I'm so tired! Dave kept me up all night playing video games." John yawned in response. I felt my temper spike at the mention of Dave's name.

Dave annoys the fuck out of me. John is constantly talking about the blonde like no fucking tomorrow. Whenever we hang out, John talks about him. Sometimes he's even texting Dave, which annoys the fuck out of me. He's always talking to Dave, talking about Dave, thinking about talking to Dave. And I know they're "best bros" or whatever the fuck, but it gets annoying.

"That sucks." I mumbled, trying to keep my temper under control. Before John could say any more, someone else plopped down across the table from me. I looked up at him and rolled my eyes.

I love Sollux and all, but goddamn those sunglasses. He wears these sunglasses that look an awful lot like those cheesy 3D glasses from the eighties or whatever. I don't know how the fuck else to describe them. I mean, it'd be a lot worse if he still talked with his lisp. A few years ago, Sollux went to speech therapy to correct it.

"Hey guys." Sollux mumbled as he took his backpack off. I grunted in response as John gave him a wide smile. Sometimes I just want to punch Sollux in the face and I'm not one-hundred percent sure why. Maybe it's because he's the only one that knows I like John. It could also be because I'm an asshole.

This is going to be a long day.

000

"Good shot, Dave!" John exclaimed. Dave remained emotionless and "all cool like". Fuck, would it kill him to have an emotion every once in a while?

The three of us were currently at John's house, playing video games. It _was_ supposed to be just me and John, but of fucking course Dave invited himself at the last second. Not like John minded or anything. Dave and John decided to play some shooter game and I opted to sit out for a bit to actually work on some homework. I care about fucking failing at life, thank you.

"I'm hungry." I said, for sure loud enough for John to hear. He didn't say anything back for a moment.

"There's popcorn in the cupboard if you want some, Kar." John shot over his shoulder when he had the time to fucking do so. I furrowed my eyebrows together, but instead of screaming at my friend, I pushed myself up from his couch and stalked off to the kitchen.

I threw open one of the cupboards, knowing without really thinking where John kept his food. I've only been his friends for, like, a really long time. I slammed the microwave door shut as I punched in some random numbers and hoped it wouldn't burn down the goddamn house. That'd suck a lot. My mind started to wander, the hum of the microwave becoming white noise.

Fuck, I hate Dave. I don't know if I hate him because I hate him or because he cuts into my "John time". Probably because of the "John time" thing but whatever. I still hate him. God, if only I didn't like John like that. I mean, I know he'd never like me back like that. He's constantly saying "No homo!" and shit like that. Constantly saying he's not homosexual... but does that make me homo? I don't find _all_ guys attractive on some level. There are some girls out there that I find pretty. I'm pretty sure, though, that I couldn't like a girl the way that I like John. What the fuck does my brain think about waiting for popcorn?

I snapped out of my disjointed thoughts when the microwave beeped. Surprisingly, the popcorn hadn't burned. I fished around for a bowl, but all I found was one of John's dad's mixing bowls. Holy fucking God, that guy cooks way too much. I settled for it anyway. I started to wander back into the living room but stopped my movements before John or Dave saw me.

John and Dave were sitting on the couch, John laughing about who the fuck knows and Dave just staring at him. John had his face turned away from Dave's, but the blonde had his eyes fixed on the other. At least, I think his eyes were on him. I couldn't see them behind his sunglasses. Seriously, who the hell wears sunglasses inside? But Dave was staring at John, and as he did, a small smile came across his face. A really content, relaxed, smile. Holy shit, I just about lost it there.

That's the same way I smile at John, the few times that I have. That's the same expression that I give John when he's not looking and no one else is. If that's the same way I look at him, that must mean Dave likes him, too, right? Oh holy fuck, if Dave likes John, too, I seriously will kill him.

I furrowed my eyebrows and frowned as I stomped back into the room. I sat myself down between the two, earning a concerned look from John. Dave didn't seem to notice. I took a few hate-filled munches of popcorn, imagining I was punching the shit out of Dave as the two continued their game.

If Dave likes John, this school year is really going to fucking suck.


	2. Motherfucker

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-"

"Kar, you're over reacting. I'm sure it didn't mean anything."

"Sollux, you didn't see the look on his face. That stupid fucking smile..." I mumbled the last part to myself. I heard Sollux sigh and could just _feel_ him roll his eyes at me.

Yesterday after seeing Dave smile at John like that, I kind of skipped out as soon as I could. All day today during school, I had a fucking migraine thinking about it. Sollux noted something was up and dragged me to his house after school. So here I am, pacing his room like a goddamn mad man.

"Karkat, are you listening to yourself? Even if Dave did like John, do you think John would like him back?" Sollux questioned. I stopped my movements and thought about it for a minute.

"Well, I don't _think_ that he would, but it really wouldn't be a big shock. John pretty much worships the fucking bastard."

"Have you thought about asking him?" Sollux mumbled. I looked at him, sitting on his goddamn bed. He didn't even look up from the book he was holding while talking to me. I knit my eyebrows together.

"What?"

"Oh my God, just _ask_ Dave if he likes John! It's not hard, Karkat." Sollux shouted, slamming his book on my bed. I felt my face flush with anger and embarrassment because, well, it isn't supposed to be hard.

"I know it's not supposed to be hard, Sollux, but that sounds fucking awkward. Maybe I'm just seeing things..." I trailed, plopping myself on the ground with a graceful "thud". It was an uncomfortable few minutes, with me sulking there and Sollux just kind of staring at me. He finally sighed.

"Just give it a while. Maybe you're seeing things, maybe you aren't. You can't judge that off of one smile." Sollux said. Before I had the chance to say anything back, I felt my phone violently vibrate in my pocket. It wouldn't stop, so I fished it out and glanced at the screen. The screen read "CALL FROM: GAMZEE" with an obnoxious picture of him in his fucking clown makeup. That was the last time I ever left my phone with him alone.

"What?" I growled as I answered the phone. Gamzee is my "best bro" or whatever, but I don't have time for his stupid miracles or whatever.

"it's a motherfuckin' miracle, man..." Gamzee trailed in that stupid dream-voice he has. I felt my temper rise.

"Gamzee, as much as I fucking _love_ your miracles or whatever, I'm kind of in the middle of shit." I spat back. Sollux gave me a look that just screamed "Be nice". It just made me scowl even more.

"But it is a miracle, man. Tav got himself out of his chair and onto the couch all by himself. It's a fucking miracle." Gamzee replied. I rolled my eyes at Sollux because no one else was around to roll my eyes at.

"Cool story, Gamzee. Tavros figured out how to drag himself across the fucking room." I shot back, making sure I sounded angry. He just doesn't get it sometimes.

"Hey, you doin' anything tonight?" Gamzee suddenly asked. God I hate it when he changes directions like that. It makes it hard to have a solid conversation with him.

"No, I'm going home to wallow in self-pity." I grumbled. I heard Gamzee let out a dry laugh on the other end. Sollux must of heard it, too, because he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Well, my plans sound a whole hell of a lot better than that. Tav and I were thinking about hittin' up the bowling ally. Wanna join?" Gamzee drawled. I snorted.

"And why the hell would I want to do that?"

"Because your most favourite person in the whole fucking world is going to be there." My heart literally stopped for a few seconds. I blinked a few times before looking up at Sollux. He had that same eyebrow-raised face.

"...Wanna go bowling, Sollux?" I asked between my teeth. He tried to hold back a laugh.

"You hate bowling."

"Just answer the fucking question!" I shouted. Sollux shrugged. I fucking hate indirect answers.

"Sure, why the hell not?" Sollux responded. I could hear Gamzee laughing on the other line. I hate Gamzee so fucking much right now.

"We'll meet you there, asshole."

000

This was the worst idea ever.

I fucking _hate_ bowling to begin with, so I don't even know why I'm here. Oh yeah, because John's here. That would fucking rock if Dave wasn't here, too. Just being around Dave is confirming my worst fear. He's smiling a lot, too much for my liking. He only seems to smile when he thinks no one is looking. Fuck you, Dave. No one here cares how "cool" you are.

Gamzee let out a wild cheer as his bowling ball knocked all the pins down. Tavros clapped and smiled at Gamzee in response. I looked at the poor kid, wondering why Gamz thought it was a good idea to bring the disabled kid to a bowling alley. He didn't seem to mind much, but whatever. Sollux halfheartedly played along with Gamzee while Dave and John were just in their own world of perfect. My face scrunched together as I continued to pretend to not look at the two.

John was just being himself, laughing and playing around and having a good time. It's pretty much what he does. For a while, I almost forgot about hating Dave and started to have a good time with him. But then the fucking blonde cut in and ruined it. So now I'm just sitting here, sulking and pretending to have a good time when I just want to go home. This is not how people should spend their Friday night.

"It's your turn, Karkat!" Tavros suddenly shouted in my face. I blinked a few times, recovering from the shock of being rudely awakened from my train of thought. I glared at my friend.

"I'm not playing." I replied. His face fell, just a little, but he picked it back up again.

"Are you sure? You're last and then the game's over." Tavros tried again. I saw Gamzee come up behind him, bright pink bowling ball in hand.

"Pick up the pace, motherfucker. We got plans after this." Gamzee said over Tavros. I furrowed my eyebrows together.

"Plans?"

"Yeah, weren't you listening? We're all gonna head over to John's house after for a sleepover, man. You gotta fuckin' listen sometimes." Gamzee said, walking around Tavros and shoving the horrendous pink ball in my lap. I scowled at him and turned to look at John for confirmation. He just shrugged in response.

"Fine, whatever." I grumbled as I stood up and walked to the end of the lane. I lined myself up correctly. It'd be fucking embarrassing to get a gutter ball at this point. I rolled my puke-looking bowling ball, pretending that each pin was a mini Dave.

I got a fucking gutter ball.

000

"Dave stop!"

"No."

"Dave!" John laughed as he jokingly pushed Dave away from him. Dave didn't seem fazed and kept on racing.

After what felt like for fucking ever, we all somehow got back to John's house. We spent about an hour trying to decide what to do. John announced that he had one of the Mario Kart games, so everyone piled around to play. Gamzee, Tavros, Dave and John were currently playing as Sollux and I sat back and watched. I don't mind watching people play video games every now and then. It gives me a chance to settle down from my ever-present headaches. But right now, watching was _really_ starting to wear my patience thin.

The more I sat here, the more I saw Dave and John interact. It was really starting to piss me off. Dave was constantly trying to get John to lose, constantly saying something to make him laugh, constantly being a big douche bag. Am I the only one that sees this? Apparently so because Gamzee and Tavros seem to be having a fucking fantastic time. I scowled at the back of their heads.

What if Dave really does like John? I'd pretty much lose at the "win John's heart" competition right there. I mean, I hate Dave, but he's not the ugliest person in the world. Not the most attractive, but most certainly not ugly. I'm pretty sure with one look, the right _look_ , Dave would win John's hand in a heartbeat. Then he'd look at my ugly-ass face. But enough of that.

I know it's not a competition. I know that. But with my new realization, I can't help but feel like it is. Of course, I'm probably not making it better by being an ass, but that's what I do. The chances of John actually liking Dave are pretty damn low, so that brings my chances down to zero. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.

I looked back at the group, my jealous temper reaching a whole new level. I saw John pretty much _leaning_ against Dave as they played their fucking Mario Kart. John was laughing uncontrollably at something, God knows if I knew what. To make this worse, Dave was fucking smiling at John. _Fucking smiling._ I'm not going to have any of that fuckery while I'm around.

In one quick movement, I pushed myself up off of the ground. I could feel everyone looking at me, but I ignored them. I hadn't really planned out what I was going to do, to be honest, so I just started off towards the kitchen since it was the closest escape route.

"Karkat?" I heard John call after me. I growled to myself.

"Just making popcorn." I muttered over my shoulder as I stomped into the kitchen. I heard some shuffling behind me, like someone was following me. I hoped it was Sollux so I could explain my frantic train of thought. Not like he'd offer any solid advice, but that's not the fucking point. I reached for the cupboard that the popcorn was in and glanced over my shoulder.

"Aren't you busy playing Mario Kart?" I grumbled. I could feel Dave staring at me, burning holes into my back. Big, giant, sun-glass-shapped holes. I threw the popcorn into the microwave and reluctantly turned back towards Dave.

"Are you ok, man?" Dave asked. I blinked a few times, chewing on the inside of my mouth.

"Just peachy." I replied, giving him a fake smile. Dave just stared back at me with that blank face.

"Just making sure. That's what friends do." Dave slowly said. I glared at him.

"Yeah, whatever." I growled. The blonde started to turn, but then stopped halfway through. He looked at the ground and then back at me. I swore for a moment I could see his eyes, but it could have been my imagination.

"You know, when you pull shit like that, it really worries John." Dave said. It felt more like he was talking through me than to me. I don't really know how to describe it but it made me blush in anger. He finished his turn and sauntered – that's right, _sauntered_ – out of the kitchen. I felt another headache coming on.

"Fuck you, too, Dave."


	3. Goddammit

I woke up to a sudden hitch of breath, my heart pounding a fucking mile a minute from my random scary dream. I gave myself a minute to calm down before relaxing, leaning my face against his head.

Wait, what?

After me freaking out last night, everyone just kind of sat in an awkward silence for the majority of the night. I went up to John's bedroom after a while, saying I had a headache or some shit just to get away from the suffocating air surrounding us. I flopped out on his bed after taking a massive amount of medicine and I guess I just sort of passed out.

So that's why I'm a little confused as to why John is fucking sleeping next to me. With his head on my fucking shoulder, too. I tried my best to not look at him, I really did, but after a quick glance around the room and seeing everyone else was asleep, I let myself.

It's weird how calm people can look when sleeping. I've never understood it. John looked so relaxed, so content, I couldn't stand the thought of waking him up. I looked at his closed lids, jealous that he didn't have raccoon eyes like I do. His eyelashes aren't, like, "oh I'm so beautiful" long. They looked... normal? I don't really know. I continued to look across his face. His cheeks were slightly flushed, probably from the blanket we were sharing. His lips were parted slightly, looking more pink in the faint light of his room.

I stared at him, memorizing the whole moment. This will probably never happen ever again and I want to remember it. I'm not creepy, ok? There's nothing creepy about this. I finally forced myself to tear my eyes away from John and looked across his bedroom.

I first saw Tavros asleep in a recliner chair that John had just recently added to his room. I guess that's a good place for him. Looking at the floor, my eyes fell on a giant heap of blankets. I could only assume that Dave, Gamzee, and Sollux were wedged in there somewhere. I rolled my eyes, trying to ease the strain on them from looking around at such an awkward angle. My head relaxed against a pillow, sleepiness taking over me again.

And then my fucking shoulder twitched.

It twitched so bad, I felt the muscles snap. It was just my luck it was the shoulder John had his head on. Fuck me, seriously. I heard Egbert let out a snort and lift his head up. My eyes snapped down to his. He slowly opened them, blinking away a film of sleepiness. He looked right back at me and smiled.

"G'morning, Kar." John mumbled as he stretched. I felt myself start to blush and I tried to control it.

"G-good morning." I stuttered. Fuck you, stutter. I don't need you right now. John didn't seem to notice it through his sleepiness.

"Hmmm what time is it?" John hummed. I ignored his question.

"Why're you here?"

"Well, it is my bed, Karkat." John replied, the tired slipping away form his voice. I blushed even more at my statement, embarrassed that he didn't catch what I was really trying to ask. I turned away from him, staring up at the ceiling.

"Never mind."

"Karkat, I was kidding! Everyone said I should sleep here since it's my bed. I didn't want to risk waking you up, but you're a much heavier sleeper than I thought!" John replied with a laugh. I furrowed my eyebrows, picturing how things most likely went down. I pictured Gamzee and Sollux convincing John to sleep in the same bed as me to just freak the fuck out of me. God, I need to kill them when they wake up.

"Ok..." I mumbled. I heard John laughed again as he scooted away from me just a tiny bit. It made me frown and feel a little sad, but I covered it. Not like it means anything, right?

"Are you two done talking? I'm fucking hungry!" Gamzee suddenly shouted from the floor. My face fell as I squinted at the ceiling. Egbert laughed as he pushed the covers off of us and jumped out of his bed.

"Fine, let's go eat."

000

My eyebrows twitched as John shifted in his seat. This was really awkward.

After breakfast, Gamzee and Tavros left. They said something about going somewhere, but I wasn't really paying attention. An hour after they left, Sollux said he had to leave, too. To my surprise, Dave left with him. He hardly even said anything when he left. Not that I care if he did, but I silently thanked him for leaving, having alone time with John for the first time in for fucking ever.

Right now I'm cursing the stupid blonde because this is horribly awkward.

"So, uh... how've you been, Karkat? I feel like we haven't talked in a while." John suddenly said. I didn't look at him.

"We talk all the fucking time."

"Well, yeah... but not, like, really talk." He shot back. My face relaxed a little bit at that. He was right.

"There isn't much to talk about." I grumbled. Of course there's a shit ton to talk about. Just nothing I'm willing to say out loud, of course. Not to John, of course. He had this pout on his face for a second then he smiled. Normally when John does that, he asks something either really awkward or just stupid. Sometimes a combination of the two.

"So... is there anyone you like, Kar?"

I felt my face go into a full on blush. My heartbeat increased by ten-fold. I suddenly felt really sweaty and nervous and shaky. Dammit, John, why do you ask such weird questions? I cleared my throat a few times, trying to get rid of the lump that had formed there.

"No." I stiffly replied. This earned a squeal – I don't know what else to call the noise he made – from my friend.

"You liar! Who is it?" He shouted. I felt my forehead pulse.

"No one, ok? I don't like anyone." No one but you, I thought. I'm not going to say something as awkward as that. Not until I know how he exactly... feels... about stuff like that. Besides his "no homo" comments, I don't really know how John feels about that.

"Awww, Karkat, you're not gonna tell me?" John whined, curling up on the couch next to me. He looked like a kitten trying to wrap itself into a ball. I rolled my eyes at him.

"No because I don't like anyone." I snorted. Why am I always so unattractive around him? At this rate, Dave will win. John just smiled at me.

"Ok, if you say so."

"Why, is there someone you like?" I asked. I didn't even realize that I was asking him that. John sat there for a moment, just staring off into space. I was about to snap my fingers and bring him back to reality when he spoke.

"No, not really. I mean, there are some attractive people around me, but I don't know." John quietly replied. My heart just about fell through the fucking floor. Attractive people? Does he mean Dave? I'll flip a bitch if he means Dave.

"Attractive people?" I asked, trying to sound as calm as possible. It just sounded forced instead.

"Yeah... Vriska's gotten pretty, huh?" John mumbled. I think I just flipped a bigger bitch than I would have for Dave.

Vriska and John kind of had a thing a while back. Not a dating kind of thing. More of a "I like you so I'm just going to horribly flirt all the damn time and then bitch about not wanting to go for it" kind of thing. It ended as quickly as it began. Vriska moved on to guys that had the balls to ask her out – fuck if I remember who – and John just... went on and did John things. Ever since then I haven't heard of him liking anyone. I'm angry that he's even considering liking Vriska again.

But I'm mostly angry he didn't say me.

"John, that's a load of bullshit." I said hotly.

"I'm just saying! She's gotten really pretty..." John mumbled. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, ok, whatever." I incredulously retorted. John just frowned at me.

"C'mon, Karkat. You honestly cannot say there's no one attractive around you." John firmly said. He said it like it was a true fact. It was, but I wasn't about to tell him I found him good looking.

"Well... fuck, John, I don't know. Dave-"

God. Damn. It.

I had meant to keep those thoughts about Dave not being the ugliest person in the world to myself. But of fucking course my brain decided other wise. I just stared at John with wide, worried eyes. He remained blank for a bit, his face flushing to a full on red when what I had said sunk in. Egbert opened and closed his mouth a few times before being able to speak.

"D-Dave? Why do you say Dave?" John questioned with a nervous laugh. I fought the urge to hyperventilate.

"Well, fuck John! There is no way on Earth you can deny that Dave isn't ugly! I'm not saying that I'm... attracted to him. He's just not fucking ugly." I shouted. This just earned another nervous laugh from my friend.

"Oh, well... no homo, but I agree." John replied with a shaky laugh. I scowled yo myself. God dammit, that "no homo" comment again. The fact that he agrees with me makes it all the more worse.

"You agree?" I asked through gritted teeth. John shrugged.

"I guess. I mean, you're right. He's not ugly. Now that I think of it, most of our friends are pretty good looking... But I'm not, like, you know." John ended his train of thought a little too fast for my liking. I stared at the floor, keeping my eyes away from my friend.

"Yeah..." I mumbled. I felt the sudden need to get the hell out of there. I stood up from his couch, startling John. I could see him out of the corner of my eye staring at me with those big wide eyes... I just about lost it there.

"You ok, Karkat?"

"I'm going home." I said. With that, I grabbed my jacket and headed towards his front door. John got up and followed me.

"Karkat, you don't have to leave." John sort of pleaded. I didn't look at him.

I never expected him to be that way either. I mean, like I said before, I don't like all men. I only like John. But some part of me was hoping that his "no homo" comments was just him being in denial and that he really did like me. All I've learned is that he's not that way but he thinks Dave is good looking. God fucking dammit.

"I know. I just have... things to do." I mumbled. Before John had a chance to reply, I practically ran out his front door like a fucking girl. Way to be super obvious, Karkat. I pulled out my phone, quickly pulling up Sollux's phone number.

I just need to clear my head.


	4. Holy Mother Of God

"Sollux, am I the only one going crazy?"

"Yes." I shot him a dirty look before I started pacing again.

I came right to Sollux's place after I stormed out of John's. I hadn't told him my thoughts on Dave yet and I felt like I was about to fucking explode. When I got there, everything just poured out. I couldn't stop myself. Sollux just sat there and listened, not saying a damn word. Now he thinks I'm crazy. Great.

"I'm not making this shit up!" I yelled. Sollux sighed.

"Maybe you are, Karkat. There's all this drama around you, but it's all in your head." Sollux replied. I kept my pace, but everything seemed to stop around me. Even though Sollux _might_ be right, there's no way I'm going to admit that.

"No, it's not just in my fucking head. I'm seeing this happen before my very goddamn eyes." I grunted. Sollux just stared at me.

"Whatever, Karkat." Sollux mumbled. He picked up the book he had been reading yesterday. I silently – loudly – cursed him for sucking.

"Fuck you, Sollux." He rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you go home? Just get some rest..." Sollux said. He didn't even look up from his book again. Some help he is.

"Whatever." I grumbled. Without even a goodbye, I stormed out of his room, slamming the door behind me.

000

My computer blipped at me as I walked into my bedroom. I looked at the task bar, groaning when I read the name. I clicked on it and typed.

CG: WHAT DO YOU WANT, JOHN?

EB: just checking on you. you left my house in a hurry.

CG: …

CG: I HAD THINGS TO DO.

EB: like what?

CG: THINGS.

I glared at the computer screen as I waited for John to reply. It only took him for fucking ever.

EB: is this about dave?

CG: WHAT IS? THERE'S NOTHING, OK? I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT DAVE.

EB: …

EB: are you upset because you said he's good looking?

CG: NO JOHN, I'M MAD BECAUSE A HUGE SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN. A BIGGER SHIT THAN I'VE EVER SEEN.

CG: IN FACT, IT'S FLYING RIGHT AT ME.

CG: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY DAVE IS ATTRACTIVE?

CG: US, APPARENTLY, FOR FUCKS SAKE.

EB: sorry, karkat, no need to be angry.

EB: why're you so embarrassed? we both think he's good looking.

I felt like my brain was about to fucking explode. John saying that _really_ made me feel better. I scowled at my computer screen.

CG: ARE WE DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS? I'M DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

EB: guess so, sorry.

EB: anyway, you seemed really upset so I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out.

EB: dave wanted to see a movie, but terezi is going with him.

Oh holy God, am I reading this right? Is John pretty much asking me out on a date? I reread the message again. The only thing that got me was the fact that _Terezi_ would be there. Terezi and I had a... "thing" a while back, I guess. We dated in, like, fucking middle school so it doesn't really count. it ended pretty quickly. The chance to go to a movie with John was too good to pass up.

CG: WHAT TIME?

EB: what?

CG: WHAT TIME, FUCKASS? WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE AT THE THEATER?

EB: oh. um... it's already almost five, so probably not until close to eight.

CG: OH, OK. SHOULD I PICK YOU UP?

EB: you got your car back?

CG: YEAH, WELL, MY PARENTS DON'T REALLY USE IT SO "TAKING IT AWAY" WASN'T REALLY A PUNISHMENT.

CG: DO YOU NEED A FUCKING RIDE OR NOT?

EB: thanks for the offer, kar, but dave's over right now and said he could take me. we're not sure about terezi, though.

I frowned so fucking hard at my computer when John said that. First of all, why is Dave over right after I left? My mind wanted to jump to all sorts of conclusions, but I didn't let it. Second of all, is John suggesting _I_ pick up Terezi? Fuck. No.

CG: WELL, FUCK JOHN, DOESN'T SHE HAVE A RIDE?

CG: IT'S KIND OF STUPID TO MAKE PLANS AND NOT EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO SHIT.

EB: you do live closer to her than I do.

I really hate it when he uses logic against me. I almost smacked my computer, hoping it would somehow reach John over the web. Instead I chose to mentally slap him.

EB: hey, my face kinda hurts.

CG: OK, FINE. I'LL PICK UP TEREZI FOR YOU.

CG: ONLY IF SHE NEEDS IT!

EB: really karkat? thanks so much! dave's been planning this for a while, so I know it'll mean a lot to him.

CG: YEAH, WHATEVER. BUT SO HELP ME GOD, IF SHE TOUCHES ME AT ALL YOUR ASS IS GRASS.

EB: did you just say "ass is grass?"

CG: I'LL SEE YOU LATER, ASSHOLE.

I logged off before Egbert had the chance to say anything else. Leaning back in my computer chair, I stared at the ceiling for a moment before sighing. What the fuck did I just get myself into?

000

I groaned as I pulled up to the house, turning off my car and bashing my head into the steering wheel.

I only waited a short time before going out to pick up Terezi. I couldn't sit still, so I just drove around for a while before actually going to her house. To be honest, I really fucking regret agreeing to pick her up. She gets on my nerves pretty fast and she's an ex-girlfriend. That doesn't sound like a healthy mixture of shit.

I opened my car door, slamming it shut and I forced myself to go to her front door. I fucking hope that john told Terezi I'd be picking her up. Otherwise, this will be pretty fucking awkward. I rang her door bell once, the sound of it echoing throughout her house. I glared at the house number glued to her front door: 1613. Before I could have a goddamn flashback of a horrendous time in middle school, the front door flew open.

"Karkat?" I groaned – again – as Terezi opened the door a little more, stepping out a bit. Her normal flippy black hair seemed straighter than usual, her red sunglasses replaced with giant bifocals. I opened my mouth to respond, but she whacked my foot with her cane first.

Did I forget to mention she's blind?

Terezi's not completely blind. She had an accident when she was younger – fuck if I remember exactly what – and it left her with only twenty percent of her vision. Terezi says she can "see" things with smell and taste. Sometimes I think that's a load of shit. She can sort of see things when she wears those fucking ugly glasses, but Terezi usually only wears those for special occasions.

This must be _really_ fucking special.

"Fuck, Terezi! Be care where you swing that thing!" I shouted at her. She just smiled back at me.

"John told me you'd be picking me up. Let's go, I don't want to be late." Terezi replied in this weird voice that I could only identify as her "flirty voice." I felt myself start to gag but I swallowed it. I just nodded my head and turned back to go to the car.

This is going to be the longest fucking night ever.

000

That was _the_ most awkward car ride. Ever.

Terezi would not stop asking me about my life. I know we haven't talked in a really, really long time, but there's a fucking _reason_ for that. She asked me if I had a girlfriend, a boyfriend, what I do for fun nowadays, how John was, what Dave thought of her, every single fucking thing in between. I answered as vaguely as I possibly could. Fuck, she would _not_ stop asking me.

We finally got there after forever. John and Dave were waiting outside, thank God. I parked and got out of my car as fast as possible, not caring is Terezi got left in the dust. She must have been close behind me because John waved us over.

"Hey guys! I'm glad you could make it!" John exclaimed, sounding a little too happy. Dave just nodded at me. I glared at him in response.

"Anything for my Strider." Terezi seductively – not really, but I think that's what she was going for – said, staring and grinning into Dave's soul. I was really glad I wasn't him.

"What movie are we seeing?" I mumbled to John. He smiled at me.

"The theater's doing a special one-night reshowing of Kick-Ass. I thought that would be a fun movie for us all to see." John replied. Ok, I know John really like Nic Cage or whatever, but he's seriously dragged me to every single fucking movie he can with the actor in it. I rolled my eyes at him. I really do like that movie, though.

"Fine, whatever, let's just get our tickets."

000

I tried my best to keep my eyes to the screen. I really did. Dave is just pissing me off too much to pay attention.

We got our tickets and went to the right theater room thing. There were only two other people than out small group, so we sat dead center in the back row. Dave wanted to sit farther down, but I bitched about it until John convinced him to sit in the back. Sorry, Mr. Strider, but I'm not going to listen to a bunch of people chew in my goddamn ear during a movie I've seen three times with two people I hate. Might as well get my way on one thing, right?

I sat on the end next to John. Dave sat on the other side of him, Terezi sitting on the other end. The movie started and I suddenly became incredibly tense. I mean, this _is_ a date, right? It sure as hell feels like one. Dave and Terezi were off in their own little world, Terezi making cracks about something every five fucking seconds. Dave just smiled at her, not really saying anything. Every so often, though, I'd glance in their direction and see Dave fucking staring at _John_ , not Terezi. It started to really irritate me after the fifth fucking time I caught him doing it.

Towards the end of the movie, I couldn't handle it anymore. It felt like Dave was burning holes into John. Of course, John didn't notice a single thing, too interested in the movie to really care. The only time he looked at anyone during the film was when Big Daddy died. He looked right at me with big teary blue eyes. I really wanted to reach out and give him a hug, but that's not like me and that'd be fucking crazy to do.

Instead, I focused on how much I hate Dave. He kept staring at John. Now I really don't think I'm crazy, no matter what Sollux says. I gritted my teeth, refraining myself from reaching over and punching Dave square in the jaw. Terezi's laughs didn't help my oncoming migraine, either.

The second the movie was over, I bolted. John was close behind me, though. I just wanted to escape Dave and Terezi. I couldn't fucking handle it anymore. John had to do a little jog to keep up with me, leaving Strider and Ms. Flirty far behind.

"Karkat, are you ok?" John shouted, almost out of breath. We were outside now, not far from my car. I glanced behind him to see Dave and Terezi finally catching up. Her cane kept whacking into people, but she didn't seem to care.

"Yeah, just needed some air..." I lied. John took it though. He smiled at me as the other two walked up beside us. That smile just about did it for it. My temper just snapped. I did my best to not shout or say anything to hurt John's feelings, but I probably did anyway.

"It's been a fucking ball, guys, but I have to go home. Really, it's been a _heap_ of fun." I coldly said. Terezi raised an eyebrow at me as John's smile faltered.

"Ok, Karkat. I'm glad you got to come with us." John replied. I just rolled my eyes as I shot Dave another glare.

"See you, dude." Dave called as I started to walk away.

"Fuck you." I said more to myself than to him.

000

I drove, but I didn't go home. I didn't feel like it.

I just drove and drove on the outskirts of town, thinking about life and shit. I thought about John and Dave and how Terezi looked kind of happy tonight. I thought about Sollux maybe being right about me being crazy and just making shit up. I thought about John finding Vriska and Dave attractive, as much as it pained me to think about.

Then I started to think about John more. I thought about all those little smiles he gave me tonight, how happy he seemed when I got to the movie theater. I thought about how he _trusted_ me to say that he found Dave attractive. I thought about how he hadn't minded sleeping in the same bed as me; doing that with anyone else probably would have freaked him out. I thought about his laugh and the way he talks and tries to include me in things. I just thought about all the things I love about him.

When I thought that, I nearly drove off the road. I really should try to _not_ have epiphanies while driving. I pulled over and cut the engine, staring out at the black road ahead of me, my thoughts wrapping around me. All the things I love about John? I don't just love those things about John, _I love John himself._

Holy fucking God, I think I love John.


	5. Puke Party

"Sollux, wake up."

He groaned in his sleep, rolling over and flipping his bedside lamp on. Sollux glanced around the room for a moment before he let out a yelp. I just stared at him.

"Karkat! What the hell are you doing here? It's three in the morning!" He shouted. I just stared at him. Was it really that late? It sure as hell didn't feel like it.

"I've been driving all night."

"What?"

"I've been driving all night. After I went to the movies with John, I had an epiphany, so I've been driving all night..." I half mumbled. Sollux just stared at me, his eyebrows all scrunched up in confusion. I wasn't tired, but it was taking all my fucking energy just to speak.

"Karkat, how'd you get in here?" He asked. Had he not heard what I just said? I had a freaking _epiphany_ tonight.

"I used your spare key. Listen to me, Sollux. _I had a fucking epiphany._ " I said in a slow voice, hoping it'd get through his thick skull. Sollux just sighed.

"I think you need some sleep, Kar. You're acting pretty fucking weird."

"I know! I was driving home, ok? Something just... _hit me._ I was thinking about John and all the things I like about him. That's when I realized I'm not a goddamn mad man, Sollux! I just love John, that's all!" Ok, that probably sounded pretty fucking crazy. I couldn't help it. I sat down on Sollux's bed when I finished, staring at him with wide eyes, waiting for whatever smart ass thing he had to say next. He just looked at me with equally wide eyes.

"Really? You sound pretty crazy to me." Sollux grumbled. I felt my temper rise about a hundred points.

"Shut the fuck up, Sollux! I realized something important! Now give me some freaking friendly advice or some shit because I don't know what to do!" I screamed at him. I full on _screamed_ at him. His parents will probably give him hell for it in the morning, but I don't care. This is important.

Sollux just gawked at me forever, neither of us moving or hardly breathing. After a while, Sollux sighed, rolling over on his side. He closed his eyes; it was then I noticed just how tired he looked. I felt bad for a second, coming this late and waking him up. I need someone to tell me what to do for once in my life, though.

"Karkat... it's three in the morning. Get some sleep, let me get some sleep. I'll come up with some 'friendly advice' or whatever in the morning." Sollux mumbled from under his blankets. I felt myself sink into his bed as my body relaxed. I rubbed my face, the need for sleep suddenly taking over.

"Ok..." I mumbled, not really sure if I was agreeing with Sollux or just saying it. My friend glanced at me from under his blankets before sighing and scooting over just a bit.

"Get in."

"What?"

"I said get in. There's no way you're driving home." Sollux grumbled. Without even putting up a fight, I moved to get under the blankets. Once situated, I leaned over and flipped off the lights, darkness swallowing the two of us. I stared the the ceiling, allowing my eyes to adjust and eventually make shapes out of the popcorn patterns.

Before I knew it, I fell asleep.

000

I woke to the smell of batter and honey.

I forgot where I was for a moment. After a brief heart attack, I forced myself to get out of bed and shuffled downstairs. The delicious smells led me to Sollux's kitchen. He was standing at the island, pouring batter into a waffle iron. My stomach grumbled, grabbing Sollux's attention.

"Finally wok up." He said over his shoulder. It sounded like it should have been a question, but it was more of a statement. I moved to sit at one of the kitchen stools. Sollux looked at me.

"Sorry..." I mumbled. His eyes flashed at me.

"Hmm?"

"Sorry for last night... don't know what the hell got into me." I said, sounding stiff. I'm not good at apologies, ok? Sollux just shrugged.

"Apparently and epiphany." Sollux retorted. I glared at him.

"Never mind, I take my apology back." I grumbled. Sollux just smiled to himself as he dug the waffle out of the iron. He put it on a plate before shoving it in my direction. A small bowl of sticky yellow stuff soon followed. Sollux laughed at my expression.

"It's just honey butter." He said as he poured more batter into the iron. I stared at it for a moment before smearing a glob of it on my waffle. Sollux watched me as I took a careful bite. My face lit up.

"Holy hell, this is amazing."

"As amazing as loving John?" The waffle in my mouth turned sour. The strong urge to spit it out was overwhelming, but I forced myself to swallow it. I made sure I kept my eyes away from Sollux. He really knows how to hit things on the fucking head, doesn't he?

"Screw you." I huffed. I could just _feel_ Sollux roll his eyes at me.

"Are you going to tell him?" Sollux questioned. I looked up at him, my eyes wide and my mouth hanging open just a bit. He raised an eyebrow at me as he fished the second waffle out of the iron.

" _What?_ "

"Are you going to tell John?" He repeated. I forced myself to look away from him, a full on blush creeping up onto my fucking face. Why, brain and blood, why? I did think about his question for a moment. Was I going to tell John? There's a lot of positive things that could come out of it, like being happy for once in my short as shit life. There was also the possibility of loosing John as a friend forever. The bad outcome made me want to puke.

"I don't know."

000

I went home after breakfast with Sollux. This Sunday was going by at such a depressing pace.

I just sat in my room and stared at my computer screen, not really doing anything. I felt like I should have called John and said something to him, but I don't know what the fuck I would have said. So I just stared at my computer screen, burning holes into my eyes. Halfway through the afternoon, I felt my phone in my pocket buzz. I pulled it out and read "CALL FROM: JOHN" accompanied by a picture I took of him when he wasn't looking. I groaned and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Karkat! I didn't think you'd answer!" John screamed on the other line. I had to pull the phone away from my ear for a second.

"Jesus shit, calm down. What do you want?" I growled. I don't feel like talking to John after I've had an epiphany about him. He didn't seem to catch on to that.

"A few of us were gonna head to the mall, maybe go out for pizza or something. Wanna join?" John asked. I could just hear that damn smile in his voice. I rolled my eyes.

"I guess..." I mumbled. Wait, what? Why the fuck did I just say that? I felt the urge to punch myself in the face.

"Ok, see you there!" John shouted. Before I could say anymore, he hung up on me.

000

This is so painfully awkward, I kind of feel like ripping my eyes out.

I got to the mall and met with John and everyone else. It was just a butt-fuck group of people: Dave, Terezi, Vriska, Gamzee, Tavros, and John. I don't know why the fuck Vriska was there. I guess her and Tavros are sorta friends, but I didn't think they hung out outside of school. She kept sending Gamzee glares every time he was overly friendly to Tavros, which was just weird. I don't know, I can't keep tabs on all my friends.

The awkward thing was sitting next to John the entire time.

I felt like I should tell him how I feel. The need to tell him was burning on my tongue, itching at the back of my throat. I almost felt like crying, it was so intense. But I'm not about to cry like a little girl in front of my friends _and_ in public. To make everything worse, Dave wouldn't stop being _Dave._

He kept talking to John. That normally wouldn't bother me so damn much, but after my epiphany or whatever it was bothering me to death. Dave actually _laughed_ at one point at something dumb John said. I was surprised, since I hardly ever see Dave openly laugh. After that, the two just wouldn't stop talking to each other. A few times Terezi tried to get stupid Strider's attention and he totally ignored her. Ok, well, maybe not _completely_ ignored her. Enough to piss me off, though.

It felt like my brain was about to explode. Just watching the two of them laugh and talk and laugh some more hurt my heart and brain. I tried to put my attention on the rest of out gang, but that gave me a worse headache. Gamzee kept being, well, Gamzee and kinda-sorta flirting with Tavros. I mean, I obviously don't have a problem with that. I _do_ have a problem with it when Vriska looks like she wants to rip my best bro apart.

I just can't take it anymore. I can't take Dave being all up on John like that. I can't take Terezi trying to get Dave's attention and failing. I can't take whatever the fuck is going on with Vriska. _I can't take it._

"I'm leaving." I said between gritted teeth. Without waiting for a reply, I shot up from our table, the steel chair making a horrendous sound against the floor. It echoed in the food court. I felt like everyone's eyes were on me, staring into my soul. I shot a quick glance over at John. He had that damn upset look again – he tends to have it a lot around me. I saw Dave sitting next to him, assuming his eyes were on me behind those stupid shades. I had the sudden urge to puke on Dave. Instead I chose to turn around and run away.

I heard someone say something and get up to follow me. I didn't even want to see who was the poor soul that did. If it's John, I swear to god I'm going to flip. I pushed the outside door open, a gush of cold hair slapping me in the face. Now someone was _running_ after me.

"Karkat!" They screamed. And, holy shit you guys, it's Dave. My favorite person in the _whole entire world._ Now if I feel like throwing up on him, I'm going to do it.

"Fuck off, Dave. Seriously, this time around, I really just want you to _fuck off._ " I said as intently as I could over my shoulder. Dave, being oh-so persistent, picked up the pace.

"Dude, what is your deal?" Dave muttered. I don't think he meant for me to hear it, or maybe he did, but either way I heard it. My temper spiked to a whole new level I didn't even know was possible. I spun around, almost smacking my face into the blonde's. I growled and he took a step back.

"I'm so sick and tired of it, Strider. I'm tired of all those smiles, all those fucking little pats on the shoulder. Every single fucking time you laugh, I feel like punching both of you in the face. I just might, one of these days. So leave me the hell _alone._ " I seethed. Dave was speechless for a moment – only a moment. I saw his eyebrows furrow underneath his sunglasses.

"Karkat, have you gone crazy or something?" Dave questioned. I just glared at him.

"Don't play stupid with me, fuckass. I'm tired of your bullshit. In fact, I'm so tired of your bullshit, I'm leaving. Ok, bye." I spat at him as I turned on my heel and started to walk away. Before I could get very far, I felt Dave grab my arm and hold me there. Damn him and his abnormal strength.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He snapped at me. I tried to pull my arm away, but he held on tighter.

"What the fuck, Dave? Let me go! I know who you like, so just let me go!" I screamed. Dave faltered for a second. It gave me a chance to rip my arm away. If only I could see his face behind those goddamn sunglasses.

"You're not going to tell her, are you?" Dave mumbled. My anger spiked.

"Of course I'm going to tell her! I'm just _that_ big of a douche bag to tell her-! Wait, 'her'?" I stopped mid-sentence. I could see a light blush on Dave's face as he looked away from me.

"Well... yeah. I kinda got a thing for Terezi. Isn't that what you were talking about?" He mumbled. I stared at him with wide eyes, feeling like a complete asshole and an idiot. That's not a nice combination. The urge to throw up came back so strongly, I just had to.

I turned my head and threw up all over the street.

000

"So, you thought I liked John?"

"...Yes."

"And you thought there was a chance he liked me?"

"Shut up, Strider. This is pretty fucking awkward."

After I threw up all over the street outside the mall, Dave told me that I had to go home. At first I was mad that he was ordering me around, but then he offered to drive me home and that made it ok. I felt too shitty to take the bus home since my car was out of gas. On the way back to my house, fucking Strider took the longest possible way so he could make me tell my entire life story. It was pretty much the most awkward thing ever.

Now he's laughing at me – full on _laughing_ at me – because I'm clearly delirious. I gritted my teeth together, trying my best not to snap at him. He was making it really hard not to with all his smart ass comments about me liking John.

Dave pulled his car up into my driveway. I've never been so thankful to be home. Dave cut the engine, which was pretty weird because there's no way in hell he's staying here or something. I shot him a look. He just stared straight ahead.

"You're not gonna tell Terezi, are you?" He mumbled. I thought for a moment I'd imagined it. I waited until he turned his head towards me, confirming that no, I wasn't hearing things. I sighed and looked away from him.

"Not unless you tell John." I replied. This earned a grin from Dave. I tried my best not to look at him. Even after all of this, I still hate him. He caused me unnecessary stress.

"Sounds good to me."


	6. Friends

It's been a few days since I threw up at the mall and Dave drove me home. Since then, I don't really know what's been going on.

When I came home that day, I just sat in my room and stared at the floor. It didn't seem like real life, now that more than one person knew I liked John. It seemed even less real that I love him. I'm still on the fence about that because, hell, how do you figure out stuff like that? I don't know, but John had contacted me later that day asking where Dave and I went off to. He sounded a little jealous – it also could have been in my head – that I had gone off. Oddly enough, it made me smile.

For the past few days now, John and I have been hanging out a lot. I mean, it doesn't feel like more than we usually do, but Dave's not around. It's been more one-on-one time with Egbert. Amazing as that time has been, it's also been frustrating. I keep trying to drop hints towards John – not calling him stupid, holding doors open for him, paying for him, all that shit – and he doesn't seem to get it. What do I have to do, tell him? That's the last thing I want to do, especially since I don't exactly know how I feel.

I was staring at my floor again, trying to sort my thoughts out, when I heard the familiar ping sound come from my computer. I got up and looked at it, trying not to smile when I saw it was from John.

EB: hey karkat! are you doing anything after school tomorrow?

CG: NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

CG: WHY?

EB: ok, awesome!

EB: i was wondering if you wanted to hang out.

EB: like, do homework or something.

CG: SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT?

EB: yay! :B

EB: i'll see you at school tomorrow!

Before I could ask him anything else, John logged off. I stared at my computer screen, my face feeling slightly hot as I tried not to smile.

John asked me to hang out, not Dave.

000

"You really are?"

"Yes, Karkat."

" _Really_ really?"

" _Yes_. How many times do I have to say it?"

I stared at her in disbelief. There's no way she can be serious, right?

When I got to school that morning, I saw my friend Kanaya holding John's friend Rose's hand. Kanaya has been my friend for a while, not nearly as long as John, but still a while. When we first met in ninth grade, she had a small crush on Vriska. Either Vriska ignored it or never knew about it because nothing happened. I tried to support Kanaya through it, but she constantly denied even liking the bitch. Eventually, her attention leaned towards Rose. For the past six months or so, Kanaya's been trying to get the blonde's attention. It seems like it finally fucking worked.

"How is it you can do it and I can't?" I mumbled more to myself than Kanaya. She raised an eyebrow at me.

"What?"

"Never mind." I shot back. The smell of the lunch room and the fact that Kanaya could get a girlfriend was starting to make me nauseous. I heard someone noisily plop down next to me. I turned to see Gamzee sitting there, breathing really fucking heavy and kind of muttering to himself.

"Gamzee?" I said, trying to get his attention. He glanced at me but didn't say anything. Kanaya shot me one of her _looks_ , a look that makes me feel real shitty about myself. I just shrugged in response.

Gamzee's got this problem, you see. He's got this weird stress disorder – fuck if I remember what it's called – that kind of makes him freak out sometimes. I try not to talk to him during those freak out moments and just urge him to take his medicine. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he doesn't. Now I'm just confused over Kanaya and Gamzee.

"'I'm going to class…" I muttered before getting up and leaving. I felt a little bad for leaving Kanaya all along with a nut case. I'm sure she'll be fine, though. Fucking Rose should be coming to her rescue soon.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

000

I sat on John's couch, feeling really freaking awkward and trying to find something to say.

After school, the two of us headed right over to his house. The car ride there wasn't to horribly awkward since there was music to fill the quiet. Now we're just sitting on his couch, trying to find something to say. I guess we could do our homework, but that would be too easy.

"Wanna play some video games?" John suddenly asked. I shrugged, not really in the mood to play some stupid shooter game or some shit. John sighed as he relaxed back into the couch.

"Sorry, I'm not good at coming up with shit to do." I mumbled. John shrugged and smiled at me.

"It's ok! We can just talk."

"About what?" I asked. John sat there and thought for a moment before pointing his finger up in the air, almost like he had made the best discovery in the whole fucking world.

"Well, I noticed today that Kanaya and Rose were holding hands! Are they dating?" John exclaimed, settling back down into the couch. I blushed a little bit at his question. This could either turn really awkward or really awesome. I'm betting on awkward.

"I guess so." I mumbled. John let out a content sigh. I tried my best not to look at him.

"That's really great for them. Hasn't Kanaya liked Rose for a while?" John questioned. I shrugged in response.

"I guess so." I mumbled. John seemed to drift off into thought while I started to have a mental freak out. Is this the right time to tell John? Of course not, you dumbass. You don't even know how you feel. My hands started to feel clammy, my face reaching a whole new level of hot. My skin started to feel a little too tight and hot damn who decided that clothes needed to be such a thick material? I tried to breathe at an even pace, but I felt like I was wheezing and John could hear me.

"Karkat, do you think I'm likable?" John suddenly said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"W-what?" I stammered. Damn my confused thoughts.

"Am I a likable person? I mean, Vriska and I kind of had that thing a while back, but since then no one's liked me. Is there something wrong with me?" He asked, his voice getting quieter as he spoke. If I had seen this coming I would have thought of something to say. Has he been thinking about this for a while? It's going to depress the hell out of me if he has.

"I'm sure someone out there likes you." I calmly said, trying not to pour my thoughts all over the floor. He chewed on his lip for a second.

"Yeah, but is there something _wrong_ with me?" John repeated. I sighed, turning my body so I was facing my stupid friend. Without really thinking about what I was doing, let alone _saying_ , I looked right into John's eyes and took a deep breath.

"John, there's nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing. You're perfect." I said, surprisingly in a calm voice. The second after I said it, I felt my heart go into full panic mode. All those uncomfortable feelings I had been feeling earlier came flooding back. This time, I'm sure the embarrassment showed on my face. John looked at me with those wide, innocent eyes and _fuck_ I just about told him. My mouth opened and closed a few times, trying to find some words to save myself from this situation, but nothing came. I couldn't think of one fucking word to safe myself. I'm a dumbass.

"You really think that Karkat?" John asked in the all-too adorable voice he has when he doesn't believe something. I tried my best to keep my eyes _away_ from him, but they kept going back. I quickly nodded my head a few times, clearing my throat.

"Y-yeah…" I muttered. John gave me this _smile_ , a smile that I swear to God stopped my heart for a second. In my head, I pictured him saying he thought I was perfect, too, and then he'd hug me and kiss me and it'd all be ok. None of that happened, though. He just smiled at me and latched himself onto my arm, nuzzling against me.

"Thanks, Karkat. You're a really awesome friend."

_Friend._

That word stabbed through me so fucking hard I literally thought I was going to die for a second. My heart felt like it sped up and stopped all at once. My brain just totally shut down, focusing on that one word: _friend_. The sudden burst of confidence I had just a moment ago was now crushed by the impending doom of depression. I really wanted John to say I was perfect, too, and have a fucking happy-ever-after ending. I'm starting to think I watch too many romantic movies.

I just want John to like me back.

000

I just don't want to do anything. The thought of getting out of bed sounds too fucking hard.

I called in sick for school. Ever since I told John he was perfect a few days ago, I fell into this depression that's just kicked me in the ass. I tried doing the school thing, I really did. But the more I saw John and Kanaya with Rose and Gamzee just freaking the fuck out without his meds, I just lost it. I called in sick and decided to just stay in bed all day and do nothing. That's what I felt like doing, so that's what I was going to do.

I got a few texts from John, but I gave him vague replies back so he wouldn't worry. He stopped texting me after five billion times of me telling him I'm ok, just a "cold". I don't want to pass off this depression onto him. That wouldn't be fair. So I lied, even though that's unfair, too. I just sat in my room all day, watching horrible romantic movies ad feeling shitty about myself. Around two 'o'clock, I got a ping on my computer. Hesitantly, I got up and checked it. It was from Dave.

TG: dude where the hell have you been all day?

CG: HOME, I'M SICK.

TG: thats not true and you know it. johns been worried sick all day you know.

CG: I'M FINE, I JUST DON'T FEEL GOOD.

CG: IS THAT ALL YOU WANTED? I FEEL LIKE A SACK OF SHIT.

Shit, that was probably too much to tell him. Fuck Dave and his ability to tell when I'm lying. I groaned as I waited for him to respond.

TG: thats getting closer to the truth.

TG: now tell me whats wrong because john has been pissing me off all day.

TG: he wont stop asking me, as if I know something.

CG: I'M FINE, OK? JUST THE NORMAL CASE OF FEELING LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT.

CG: NOTHING ABNORMAL ABOUT THAT.

I growled at myself for letting my quick temper get the best of me. I could just picture Dave looking at his stupid computer with an eyebrow raised, trying to decipher what I just typed. Just fucking ask me, I just might tell you.

TG: woah dude sorry.

TG: you depressed or something?

CG: YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I AM. IT'S SO FUCKING FUN, WANT TO JOIN ME?

CG: IT'S KIND OF STUPID, JUST TELL JOHN I'LL BE AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.

TG: tell him yourself.

TG: seriously, you depressed? that doesnt seem normal.

CG: SHUT UP IT'S NORMAL.

CG: JOHN CALLED SAID I WAS A "GOOD FRIEND" AFTER I TOLD HIM HE WAS PERFECT.

CG: THAT ANSWER YOUR FUCKING QUESTION?

CG: SO NOW I'M JUST IN THE FRIEND ZONE AND FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT.

TG: wow karkat I dont know what to say.

TG: this is a little awkward now.

CG: YOU THINK?

TG: well is that all youve said to him?

TG: because if thats your only hint then no wonder he called you his "friend".

CG: NO, YOU SMARTASS. I'VE HELD DOORS OPEN FOR HIM AND COMPLIMENTED HIM AND PAID FOR HIS MEALS. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

TG: holy shit dude no.

TG: if you keep going at that rate hell never know how you feel.

CG: I THOUGHT THAT WAS BEING OBVIOUS.

CG: OBVIOUSLY HE'S JUST NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

TG: no youre being a dumbshit.

TG: stop being depressed and get yourself together.

TG: grow some balls and make more moves on him.

TG: john isnt dumb but hes not the most observant person either. you should know that.

TG: grow up and dont have a repeat of the john/vriska thing in middle school.

TG: that shit was painful to watch.

I stared at my screen for a moment, not really sure how to feel about what Dave just said to me. I didn't know whether to be happy, pissed off, or thank him for kicking my ass into gear. He was right. I need to grow up and just do it. First I need to figure out exactly _what_ I'm going to do. my thoughts were interrupted by a ping.

TG: feel better?

I thought for a moment. Do I feel better? To be honest, not really. But I don't feel like staying in bed and not doing anything anymore. I don't feel like hiding from John. I don't feel like Kanaya and Rose are rubbing their lesbian relationship in my face while I struggle to get my own homosexual relationship in gear. I don't feel any of that anymore.

CG: YEAH.


	7. Sucker Punch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (original notes from when it was posted in 2012)
> 
> A/N: I feel so productive with this story. Seriously, this is the most consecutive updates I've ever done. Check my other stories, all of those took YEARS to complete. I'm so bad at this stuff. Anyway, thank you everyone for the amazing reviews and for reading this and everything. :) I'd like to dedicate this chapter to lacemirror because the review they left just really set me in motion for this chapter. :) Thank you! Please let me know what you think, guys!
> 
> NOTE: Ok, I'm sorry this is short. I explained why at the end of the chapter. I also wanted to take a moment to explain my interpretation of Karkat so that this chapter makes a little bit more sense. The rest of the story will, too.
> 
> I always imagined Karkat, if he was human, to be the quiet type of person. I pictured him to use the internet and his fits of anger to really let his feelings out. He still has a quick temper, but when he's not mad, I always thought that he would choose not to talk unless he had to. Most of his internal dialogue is much of the same way. I also always thought that he wouldn't swear so much in person until he's mad and wouldn't internally swear left and right.
> 
> That's just my take on him. Hopefully that makes the story make a bit more sense!

Ok, Karkat. Today's the day. Oh my God, I'm not ready for this.

The more I tell myself to just grow the fuck up and tell John, the less I want to do it. First of all, I don't even know _what_ I would say to him. Do I say "I love you" or do I say "I like you"? There's a very big difference there. Maybe I should figure out that one first. That would be a good start.

Everything I know about John, I like about him. I like his derpy smile, his buck teeth, how he's always nice to me even though I'm a dick, how much he cares about his friends, and even those stupid movies with Nic Cage in them. I like all those things and more. I just _like John._ When I start to think about those things, it turns into thinking about him and then the word 'love' creeps into my mind. Then I'm just left there with an image of John, thinking about love and shit and it starts to drive me crazy.

I want to tell him how I feel. John is one of the few people in my life that could actually help me get through this. Sollux has been pretty helpful and all, but sometimes he just doesn't care. I know that all of this internal drama has been annoying him. Kanaya is great and everything, but I don't want to steal time away from Rose or anything like that. Plus I think it'd stress her out a little bit. Gamzee? No, he's too busy getting fucked over from having no stress meds for a week straight. I guess I could always talk to Dave, but he still pisses me off.

If only the person I liked wasn't _John._ I know he'd know what to do.

000

Breathe, breathe, _breathe._ I know you can do it, Karkat. I sighed, trying to fill my lungs with oxygen.

Currently, I was at John's house. He asked me to come over for the billionth time this week. I grudgingly agreed to. I know I need to grow some balls and tell John, like Dave said to, but I just don't know how. I keep saying that I need to sort out my feelings for him. Every time I try to, I just get a headache. Anyway, I digress.

Right now I'm sitting on John's couch, trying really hard to not tense up every time he fucking _moves._ He put in some movie – it might have been Con Air, but I wasn't really paying attention – and forced me to sit down. I sat as close to the arm rest as I could to avoid an awkward situation. But no, John didn't consider personal space when he sat down. He sat down smack dab in the middle of the couch, pretty much sitting on me. I tried my best not to groan in disappointment because that could sound so horribly wrong.

"I love this movie." John said to himself. His eyes were glued to the screen, watching it as if he'd never seen it before. I'm pretty sure he watches this movie every day, with the way he's moving his lips along with the lines. I rolled my eyes.

After a while, I started to feel pretty tired. Without even thinking, because I _honestly_ forgot that John was sitting next to me, I fell to my side. I wanted to lie down on the empty cushion that was supposed to be there. Instead, my head fell onto John's shoulder. No joke, it just landed on his shoulder. He let out a little "oomph" sound as my head collided into him.

I could feel him staring at me. I chose to pretend to be asleep. That sounded a lot less awkward than having to explain this. I forced myself not to twitch, not to move, not to do _anything_. I don't want to ruin this moment. Even if it's just my head on his shoulder, it still feels important to me. Goddamn, I need to stop watching so many movies

"Karkat?" I heard John whisper. I tried my best not to flinch. I willed my eyes to stay closed. Somehow, I managed to do just that.

I heard John sigh at my realization of being "asleep". I felt him relax back into the couch, my head almost falling off of his shoulder. I tried to relax my face, but it felt awkward. John must have bought it, though, because I could feel him staring at me and he didn't say anything.

"Karkat?" He tried again. I still didn't answer. For a few moments, there was no movement, no sound but the movie. I couldn't even feel John breathing. I was starting to think about pretending to wake up when _it_ happened.

I could feel something trailing along my cheek, just above the cheekbone. I thought, for a moment, it was just John trying to freak me out. That he somehow knew I wasn't really asleep. If he _had_ been trying to freak me out, he would have yelled "Got ya!" or something lame like that. He didn't. He just kept running his fingers along my fucking cheek. It was starting to tickle.

Then the stroking turned into a hand cupping my cheek. I swear to God, my face must be burning. Somehow, John must have ignored that and just kept lightly holding onto me. If I wasn't I a hyper-aware situation, I would have never guessed or known that he was touching me. God, I sound like I came straight out of a romcom.

Holy fuck, this has to mean something, right? John wouldn't be creepily stroking my face while I pretend-sleep without him _feeling_ something, right? I'm going to kill him if he's doing this for shits and giggles or because he's just "curious". The muscles in my face began to tighten, the blood rushing to my face feeling extra-special warm. It felt like my face was about to spaz out at any second. Without really thinking, I moved my face.

It was just a small movement. I buried my face more into his shoulder, scrunching up my eyebrows just a bit. People do that when they have dreams, correct? Either way, John took his hand away from my face. He took it away so fast, I bet he made it seem like something bit him. It took everything in me not to open my eyes and scream at him. My face was cold without his hand there.

That was a good sign, right?

000

I'm bursting with happiness. I can't remember the last time I felt like this.

After John creepily stroked my face in my sleep, I woke up. Honestly, I fell asleep for a while. I think John did, too, because when I moved he suddenly shot up off of me. I pretended to think nothing of it when in reality, my mind was going crazy. Does John like me? Is this a sign that it's ok to tell him? What about all of his "no homo" shit? These questions wouldn't leave me alone.

I got to school and immediately found Kanaya. I love Sollux and all, but I felt like Kanaya would offer better advice than him. I found her sitting at our usual table, alone. It was a little early, but our friends would start piling in soon. I sat down next to her, a gush of back wind smack us. She widened her eyes just a bit.

"Kanaya, I'm glad you're here. Like, really fucking glad." I said, the wind feeling like it was knocked out of me. I need to walk slower.

"Ok…?" She said, raising an eyebrow. I breathed, trying to prepare myself for what my mind wanted to say.

"So, something happened this weekend. Something pretty amazing, at least to me. I don't know who else to talk to, but you're pretty damn good at saying the right thing." I said. I wanted to make sure I had her attention before I dove right in.

Kanaya nodded her head, but before she could say anything, her eyes went straight behind me. They widened just a little bit, her mouth slack. It looked like she was trying to find the right words to say, but had a hard time for a moment doing so.

"I would love to help, Karat, but I think you should turn around." Kanaya said in a quiet voice. She sounded afraid. I scrunched my eyebrows together, trying to read her face, but got no where doing that. I turned my head and felt my heart fall.

I saw Gamzee standing there, his face all crazy and killer like. I wanted to scream, wanted to _breathe_ , but I couldn't. I saw Rose and Sollux coming up behind him and my brain went into hyper mode. Something was obviously _not_ right with Gamzee. He must have gone too long without his medicine. Every fiber of my being wanted to warn Rose and Sollux, but my brain ignored my pleas.

"Hey Gamz." Sollux said as he came up to him. In the blink of an eye, Gamzee went from just standing there, looking like a crazy fucker, to punching Sollux square in the nose. I heard the bones crunch, blood almost immediately gushing out. The poor sucker stumbled backwards, knocking himself and Rose over in the process.

"Gamzee, what the fuck?" I finally managed to scream. He didn't even flinch. Sollux writhed around on the ground in pain, groans escaping him as he swore at Gamzee. My juggalo-esque friend paid no attention to him. I pushed myself up from the table. Kanaya followed suit.

I walked right up to Gamzee, terrified that he was going to hit me, too. I couldn't be scared, though. When Gamzee freaks his shit like this, no one else can bring him down. When I got closer to him, I realized that his normal clown-like makeup was different. It looked smudged and scrawled. It looked like he did it in either a rush or wasn't paying close attention. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kanaya help Rose up and then tend to Sollux. Out of the other corner of my eye, I saw John run up.

"Karkat, what happened?" He yelled, pulling the girls farther away from Gamzee. I ignored him, trying to focus on the garble of shit coming from Gamzee's own mouth. Nothing he said was making sense. I felt like I was listening to a Doctor Seuss book or something. I heard Sollux let out another groan as he tried to stand up.

"Gamzee, what's wrong?" I quietly said, trying to bring him back down to reality. Gamzee's eyes flashed to my own, his breathing sounding all wheezy and unhealthy. I stopped trying to ask him what's wrong. It's not like he's be able to tell me in this state. Carefully and slowly, I put a hand on Gamzee's arm, making small shushing sounds as I gently patted him.

Gamzee looked right into my eyes as I did so. He looked so… lost, not completely there. I gave him a small smile, trying to reassure that everything was ok. His open mouth turned into a frown the longer he stared at me.

"I'm sorry, Karkat." Gamzee mumbled. Before I knew what he was doing, the big lug wrapped me up into a giant hug. I struggled at first, not liking the sense of being crushed, but I gave up after about five seconds. I heard sniffles come from him. I patted his back, shushing him more.

"It's ok, Gamzee. I'll come over tonight and make sure you're ok." I said in a quiet voice. Gamzee just nodded his head as he snuffled some more. I sighed, giving a sad attempt at hugging him back.

I didn't even get to talk to Kanaya.


	8. Sloppy Make Outs

I regret coming to Gamzee's house.

First of all, I really hate his parents. I used to wonder how I could hate them if they're never there. Then I realized I hate them _because_ they're never there. I think it's fucked up Gamzee more than he cares to admit. It's really depressing, the more I think about it.

Secondly, his house is never clean. I personally don't care – not like I'm one to talk – but there _is_ a limit to dirtiness. Gamzee tried to clean, he really does, but he gave up a few years ago. Now he just keeps his own room neat and lets the rest of the house go to shit. I wish I could help, but its more work than I'm willing to commit to.

I watched Gamzee play some video game as I sat on his bed, my mind going numb from boredom. Normally I wouldn't mind just watching, but Gamz is content playing the same video game for hours. I, on the other hand, play one game for ten minutes and feel like punching a fucking hole in the wall.

I started to let my mind wander. It mainly drifted towards John. I'm pissed that I didn't get to talk to Kanaya, but that's not really Gamzee's fault. I mean, I guess it could be, but I'm not that big of a douche bag to do that.

John is just… I don't know. What he did the other day really confused me. I wish I could just _ask_ him about it, but it's too damn hard. I feel like if I did talk to him about creeping on me in my sleep, I wouldn't be able to do it without telling him I like him. I can't tell John without deciding if I like-like him or love-like him. Whenever I think about it, I lean more towards love. That's such a scary thought, though. I don't know, now I feel like I'm going in a giant shit-circle.

"I'm bored, motherfucker." Gamzee suddenly said, rudely snapping me out of my thoughts. I ignored him, staring off into space at the wall behind him. My eyes were starting to feel heavy.

"Karkat, I said I'm _bored_." Gamz whined. I scowled at him.

"It's _your_ house." I shot back. It makes me feel awkward picking something to do at other people's houses. Gamzee just sighed, putting down the game controller. He got up and sat on his bed next to me.

"You like someone, don't you?" Gamzee asked. I felt my heart stop. Oh holy shit, how does he know? Am I that obvious? What if John knows? I cleared my throat, my whole body feeling hot and clammy. I really wish I hadn't of come to Gamzee's.

"No." I grumbled. Gamzee let out a dry half-laugh as he leaned back on his arms. I gave him a dirty look.

"You're a fucking awful liar. So, who is it?" Gamzee prodded. I shifted in my seat.

"I'm not telling you, Gamz." I said. I don't know why I had an easier time telling Dave. Gamzee is my best bro. I'm _supposed_ to be able to tell him. I know he wouldn't care, with the way he acts around Tavros. It might be the look in his eyes or the smile on his face, but he was making me really uncomfortable.

"That's too bad. Liking someone is a fucking miracle, Kar." Gamzee slurred. I inched away from him just a bit.

"Yeah, whatever." I mumbled. Gamzee not so subtly scooted closer to me, this sloppy smile plastered on his face. It was quite terrifying since his makeup was still fucked up. I glued my eyes to the floor.

"Have you ever even kissed someone, bro?" Gamzee drawled. I made sure to keep my eyes on the ground. I _have_ kissed, once before. I don't think kissing Terezi on the cheek in fucking middle school really counts. I mean, she did kiss me on the mouth, once. _Once._ We broke up soon after that.

"Yeah, Gamzee, you know that." I shot back. I could just _feel_ the crazy staring at me. I shifted in my seat again.

"Not like Terezi really counts, man. I mean, have you kissed anyone _since_ then?" Gamzee said, leaning in towards me. My eyes instinctively shot up from the ground to his. I searched his face for his intentions. His messy clown makeup stared back at me, his toothy grin molding into my brain. I think I'm going to have nightmares for a while.

"No…" I trailed. Gamzee's smile widened, which only creeped me out even more. Normally, I wouldn't have a problem with his closeness and his creepiness and being fucking weird. But since he's kind of off his rocker, I don't want him anywhere near me. I considered pushing him away for a second, but he opened his mouth before I could decide.

"Well, you don't want to disappoint them, right?" Gamzee asked. Disappoint them? Who, John? He doesn't even know I like John, so why is he asking me all this crazy shit? My mind reeled for an answer, but none came. I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to form words. My tongue felt too thick, my mouth suddenly too dry to be comfortable. Gamzee just smiled as he leaned in closer.

I couldn't move, I couldn't think, I hardly could breathe. Before I could even _think_ about doing any of those, Gamzee leaned in so closed that he kissed me. I sat there for a second, thinking maybe it was a mistake. I'm obviously fucking stupid. How could it have been an accident? I tried to back away a little, try to lose some contact. Gamzee just raised his arms, trapping my face between his hands.

I tensed up, but then relaxed. Gamzee isn't a bad kisser. He noticed that I had relaxed. Gamz took this as a chance to lean me back against his bed, me completely flat underneath him. It was just his makeup pasty lips pressed against my chewed up ones. It felt kind of awkward, him pressing his face into mine while I just sat there.

As this was happening, John crept into my mind. I pictured him finding out about this. I pictured the hurt look on his face, even though he probably doesn't like me back. I pictured that if someday, he did like me back, and he would find out about this and be crushed. I saw John in my mind, a look of pure hurt and sadness plastered across his face. It made me want to throw up. I just about did.

I think I _did_ throw up a little when Gamzee pried my mouth open and ran his hands up my shirt.

I tried to push him away, ripping my face away from his. For some reason, Gamzee took this as an ok to kiss down my neck, spit dribbling all over me. It made me feel disgusting. It made me feel dirty. It made me feel like the lowest of the low.

It made me miss John.

"Gamzee, get off me." I growled. My temper, combined with my depression, was at a whole new level.

"Hmmm?" Gamzee mumbled. I felt my anger spike even more, if that was possible.

"I said _get the fuck off me!_ " I screamed. I have no shame in screaming like a little girl. Ok, maybe a little, but it distracted Gamzee enough for me to use all of my strength to push him off in one go. He flopped backwards off of me and I swung my legs over the side of the bed. Gamz just stared at me, his eyes all wide and surprised looking.

It was an awkward few moments, me just sitting there and Gamzee staring at me. I wanted to move, to run away, to _scream_ , but I couldn't. All of my energy was focused on John. John was the only thing I could think about. Somehow, Gamzee kissing me translated into me _disappointing_ Egbert. It was almost like I had ruined something between us, made something filthy. None of this was true, of course. I just couldn't help but feel that way.

I breathed in and out, hot air floating around me and making me sweaty. Gamzee started to look bored, which pissed me off even more. My thoughts of John quickly went away. I pushed myself up off the bed, practically hyperventilating. Gamzee went back to being all wide-eyed. I tore my gaze away from him, feeling like I was on the verge of throwing up.

"I'm leaving." I said as calmly as I could. Without even looking at Gamzee, I grabbed my jacket off of the floor. In one swift motion, I threw his bedroom door open. I heard Gamzee shuffle around behind me, but I didn't dare look. I just kept moving forward.

"Kar, please don't go." Gamzee pleaded form behind me. I ignored him as I continued down the hallway. I'm starting to freak the fuck out, with him following me and everything. I quickened my pace but was stopped my Gamz grabbing my arm. I eyed the top of the stairs, the front door at the bottom of them. So close, but so far away.

"Let go, Gamzee." I said, trying to sound sure, secure, all that shit. It just made him grab my arm even tighter.

"No! Please… just fucking listen to me." He begged. I turned around to chew him out, explain why I won't _fucking listen_ to him. Gamzee saw that as a chance to pin me to the wall instead. I could have fought back, pushed him off of me. He's intimidating me a little bit right now. I was frozen solid with fear.

"Gamzee, let me go. Right now." I said, trying to sound stern but it came out all shaky. I think Gamzee caught onto that. His eyebrows turned upwards, like he was giving me pity or something. I don't need his fucking _pity_. I need to go to Sollux's so I can lose my shit properly.

"I'm sorry, Karkat. Just, please don't go." Gamzee pleaded. I glared at him. I really wanted to forgive him, even though I didn't say 'no' while he was kissing me. It still felt like he… violated me, somehow. It doesn't feel right for me to be thinking that way, especially with those goddamn puppy eyes he's throwing my way. I did my best to hold my ground.

"Did you stop to think about anyone but yourself? What about Tavros, huh? It seems like lately you guys have gotten _real close_." I seethed, making sure that the words stung. I saw Gamzee wince at my words as he took a step back from me. I almost didn't believe that he was backing off, but he was. I glared at him for a second more before slowly inching away from him.

"Karkat, I'm sorry."

"Leave me the hell alone." I snapped. With that, I practically fell down his stairs, I was running so fast.

000

Where the fuck is Sollux when I need him?

The second I got in my car, I called Sollux about twenty times. He didn't answer any of my calls. I texted him a billion times, too. No response. Either he's asleep – very likely since it's almost one in the morning – or he has better things to do on a Friday night.

I sighed as I threw my phone onto the passenger seat, resting my head against the steering wheel. I could hear rain start to patter against the windshield. That's _just_ what I needed at the moment, some emo rain. To make things worse, I could feel tears starting to prickle at the corners of my eyes. My temper flared at the thought of crying.

I sat there for a moment, my breathing becoming heavier with each intake of breath. I thought I was going to die for a moment. Instead, I let my temper reach its peak. I started to scream. I screamed so loud, I thought I was going to break some glass. My throat started to feel raw almost immediately. Screaming just made me even angrier, so I started to punch the steering wheel. I punched it, grabbed it, and shook the entire damn car. I started to cry a little. I'm not sure if that's from my throat hurting so badly or because I really fucking hated myself.

I had to force myself to stop. Somehow, the sound of my own murderous screams comforted me. It was almost like white noise. I had to stop, though. I just sat there for a few minutes – maybe hours, I lost all sense of time – and rested my head against the steering wheel again. My breathing wasn't as heavy, but I could still feel a few stray tears falls down my cheeks. It pissed me off and I really wanted to wipe them away, but I was suddenly drained of all energy.

My thoughts kept returning to John. How could I have done this? How could I have _let_ Gamzee sloppily make out with me? It made me want to vomit. It made me want to scream again. It made me want to just go home and hide in my blankets. I kind of felt like dying for a little bit, but I know that's not a rational or reasonable answer to this, so I just pushed those thoughts aside. I just couldn't decide what to do.

John popped into my brain again. His perfect, bucktooth smile glaring back at me. I saw that smile being crushed by news that I had made out with Gamzee and not him. I saw him never wanting to talk to me again because I somehow broke his heart. What am I worrying about? John doesn't like me like that. I haven't broken his heart or whatever. He probably wouldn't even care all that much that I _had_ kissed Gamzee.

My mind just shot right back to snuggling with John on the couch, his hand cupped around my face. I let out a gargling noise before crying again.

I grabbed my phone off of the seat and started to look through it. There has to be _someone_ I can talk to, since Sollux isn't answering my fucking phone calls. I hardly had to look down my list when I came across a name. In a panic, I pressed "SEND" and impatiently waited as the phone dialed.

"Hello?" I heard Dave say on the other end. I choked on a sob and I tried to gather myself together.

"Dave?" I managed to say in a calm voice.

"What's up, Karkat?" Dave asked. I don't know how he can pretend that shit like this is just _normal_. Then again, he can't see me right now.

"Dave, I fucking hate you, but I really need to talk to someone right now." I said in a rushed voice. I heard the blonde snort on the other line.

"That makes me feel awesome, bro."

"I'm being serious! This has been a really shitty night and Sollux isn't answering his phone so I'm coming over." I yelled.

"Wait, what? Coming over now?" Dave said, the joking tone completely leaving his voice. I growled, hoping that he could hear it on the other end.

"Yes, right fucking now. See you soon." I snorted back.

"Wait, Karkat, I-!" Dave started to say, but I hung up on him. I don't have time for his excuses. I really, _really_ need to tell someone what happened so I can make sense of it. Dave seems to be my only option at the moment, so I have to make it work.

This day has been fucking fantastic.


	9. Out Of Character

I just kept pounding on the door until Dave answered, which felt like a really fucking long time.

Just walking from my car to Dave's front door, I was drenched from the rain. It kind of made me miss the little apartment he used to live in. Dave and Bro had moved into this tiny one-story house about a year ago. I personally hated it. It smelled like cats and old people.

Dave finally answered the door. He threw it open, acting like a goddamn mad man. His normally perfect hair was all ruffled, his sunglasses askew on his face. With then being crooked, I could see one of his brilliant red eyes. Dave was breathing all heavy, almost like he couldn't get enough air in his lungs. I'd never seen Dave look so... not him. I didn't like it. I didn't like how panicky he was. I didn't like how not-cool he was acting. I didn't like the slightly swollen look he had to his face, especially around the mouth.

I really didn't like that despite loving John, I still find Dave attractive. Fuck my life.

"Shit, Karkat, calm down." Dave whispered. Yeah, _I'm_ the one that needs to calm down. I pushed past Dave, storming into his house. He quietly closed the door.

"What the hell is up with you?" I asked, probably a little too loudly. Before I knew it, Dave's hand shot over my mouth. I felt my eyes widen as I stared at him. That one red eye felt like it was staring into my soul, reading my every thought and movement. I tried my best not to shove him away; he looked pretty pissed.

"Don't talk so damn loud. It took forever for me to get her to sleep." Dave snapped at me. I furrowed my eyebrows. Her? What the fuck is he talking about? Dave must have caught onto my confusion. He took his hand away from my mouth, turning and leaning against the living room couch. Dave must have seen himself I the mirror on the wall across from his because he started to fix his appearance, starting with his glasses.

"Is someone here?" I asked, this time a lot quieter. Dave let out this long sigh that made me feel bad for coming over.

"Terezi's asleep in my room." He mumbled. I felt my face heat up. Oh God, Terezi's here and Dave looked really disheveled and holy jeez they were probably having some sloppy make outs and I ruined that. I need to get out of here.

"I... should probably go." I muttered, moving to leave. Dave jumped up and blocked my path.

"No, dude, it's fine. Really."

"Well, then, why is she here?" I questioned. I heard the blonde sigh again as he leaned back against the couch. I followed suit, keeping my eyes on him.

"I don't know, she got into some sort of argument with her parents or some shit and came over here. At first she just wanted to make out, which was totally cool with me. But then she started to cry and shit and it took me _hours_ to calm her down. She'd only been asleep for a bit when you called." Dave responded. He sounded not nearly as tired as he should have been, but it still made me feel bad for him.

"That doesn't sound like Terezi." I said. Honestly, it didn't sound like her.

"I know, that's the part stressing me out the most." Dave mumbled. I ran a hand through my hair, now thinking too hard about Terezi than my own problems. I shrugged.

"She'll be ok, I know it." I said. making a pathetic attempt to make Dave feel better. Dave shrugged, too, seeming to not really care to talk about it anymore.

"What brought you over here?" Dave asked, suddenly sounding really tired.

"Sollux wasn't home and I'm having a worse mental break down than Terezi." I replied as I looked away from the blonde. I heard him snort.

"Doesn't seem like it to me." He shot back. I had to think for a moment about exactly _why_ I was having a mental break down. It didn't seem like only half an hour ago I was at Gamzee's. It feels like a whole other world, a whole other life. I sighed, running my hands through my hair again and just spilled everything.

I don't know why I found it so easy to tell everything to Dave, but it is. I told him about being at Gamzee's, how he was making me a little uncomfortable somehow knowing I liked someone. I told him about Gamzee kissing me and how it was ok at first, but then it just made me miss John. I told him about how I felt like I had _betrayed_ John somehow, even though I'm sure he wouldn't care. I just told him everything. The entire time I talked, Dave just sat there and listened. Every so often, he would nod his head or let out a sigh. Other than that, he was quiet.

When I finished my story, the blonde just sat there for a moment. I don't know if he paused for dramatic effect or to digest everything I just threw up. Either way, the hesitation made me tense.

"So... what're you saying about John?" Dave finally asked. It wasn't what I was expecting to hear.

"What do you mean? I'm saying I feel like shit about John." I snapped. My nerves were on fire from too much drama in one night.

"Well, it kind of sounds like you're trying to say you love him, man." Dave mumbled. Surprisingly, my temper didn't flare. My mood actually started to level out. All that tension I had been feeling all night suddenly seemed to drain from me. I groaned, pressing a hand against my forehead.

"Yeah, I guess..." I mumbled. I could just sense that fucking _smug_ grin on Dave's face.

"C'mon, man. Just admit it." Dave said with a dry laugh. If he only knew I _had_ admitted it a long time ago. It's not my fault I don't openly expression every single epiphany I have. That tensions from earlier started to build up again in my head. I could tell I was going to have a killer headache in the morning.

"Ok, Dave. So I kind of love him but he's a fuckass and probably doesn't love me and ugh." I said in a rush. I buried my face into my hands and groaned.

"That's mildly depressing." Dave mumbled. I wanted to give him a dirty look, but I was too busy trying to get my brain together. I groaned again, flopping over the back of the couch. I landed on the cushions with a thud and a sigh of depression. Dave stood above me. With those stupid sunglasses, I couldn't tell where he was looking. It made me feel self-conscious.

"This is my life, Dave. Just... this is my life." I mumbled, not really sure what the hell I was talking about anymore. The weight of stress and sleepiness was starting to wear me out. I heard Dave scoff at me.

"Dude, just suck it up and tell him." I rolled my eyes at Dave, but I'm not sure if me saw me or not.

"You make it sound so easy." I said sarcastically.

"Karkat, listen to me. This shit isn't hard. Just man up and do it. Why are you so stressed about it?" Dave asked. I could tell his patience was starting to wear thin. Hey, it's not my fault Terezi likes to puke all her drama on him, too.

"Fuck, Dave, I'm stressed about it because John's my _friend_." I snapped. It's called logic, Dave. You should use it sometime. I could just picture him rolling his eyes at me behind those shades.

"Terezi's my friend and we make out and shit all the time. Do you see things getting complicated?"

"Well, she is asleep in your bed after crying for God knows how long." I said without missing a beat. I could see Dave fight back a laugh. I don't see anything funny with what I just said, but whatever.

"Whatever, besides that everything's fine. Just stop whining about it and go for it." Dave slowly said. I think he wanted it to sink in.

It kind of did. I thought about the billion ways I could tell John how I feel. I thought about all the ways he could accept or reject me. I thought about what could happen years down the line, no matter what his answer had been. I realized that all of those possibilities were no where _near_ how shitty I feel right now. Not telling John is worse than telling him and then losing him forever. Just sitting here, feeling like crap because I want to tell him, is fucking torture. I flung my feet around the couch, sitting upright. It felt like I was on another mission for the night.

"You're right."

"What?" Dave asked. I think it surprised him a little bit. I normally don't agree with him on anything. I don't agree with anyone on _anything_ unless it's John.

"I said you're right. I should just man up and tell him. I'll do it right now." I said in a rush, moving to get up off of the couch. Dave pushed me back down, a hand clamped down on my shoulder. It kind of hurt for a minute.

"It's almost two in the morning, man. It can wait." Dave sternly said. It wasn't said in a mean way, but it still made me feel stupid. I scowled and brushed his hand off my shoulder. I crossed my arms, looking off to the side.

"I guess..." I mumbled. Dave flipped himself over the couch, landing almost perfectly next to me. I scooted away from him just a bit. There _is_ such a thing as personal space, Strider.

"Stay here tonight, sleep off the stress." Dave said. It sounded more like a command than a friendly gesture. I took it anyway.

"Ok..." I mumbled, suddenly really tired again. Dave shifted around a little bit before pushing himself up off of the couch. I watched him head off towards the hallway. He stopped just before he reached it, turning back towards me. Even with those shades covering the majority of his face, I could still feel the tiredness coming off of Dave.

"Night, Karkat." The blonde mumbled.

"Thanks, Dave." I said back. I wasn't saying thanks for him saying good night. I hoped that he caught that. I think that he did. He curtly nodded his head, turning on his heel and stalking off down the hall. I heard the bedroom door open and close quietly. With a long sigh, I let myself collapse against the couch.

The light pounding of a headache was creeping behind my eyes. I tried my best to ignore it and focus on how I was going to tell John. It was suddenly very important that I tell him _tomorrow_ , despite everything being fucked up with Gamzee. Now that I have my mind set on it, I need to do it. I breathed in deeply as I buried my face into one of the couch pillows.

The last thing I thought about before drifting off was John.

000

I woke up the next morning with a killer headache. I thought I was going to die for a bit, it hurt so bad.

I could hear some muffled voices coming from Dave's room. Even though his door was closed, I could still hear Terezi yelling. I didn't care enough to catch what she was saying. I'm just glad I'm not Dave right now.

After much internal struggle, I pushed myself up off of the couch and wandered into the kitchen. I made myself a healthy breakfast of Trix cereal. I was just starting to eat it when I head Dave's door slam open, Terezi storming out. Her eyes caught me standing in the kitchen. I'm surprised that the even saw me, with how bad he vision is. Either way, she did a double-take. Dave came running out a second later, skidding to a halt. I took a slow bite of my cereal.

"I didn't know Karkat was here." Terezi said with a shaky laugh, trying to play off whatever weird mood she was in. Seriously, can anyone act like themselves for five seconds? I took another bite of my cereal, watching Dave struggle to find words to save himself.

"I popped in last night. Didn't know you were here, either." I said, only half lying. I don't think Terezi bought it, but she didn't press it. She nodded her head at me, turning her attention back to Dave.

"Well... I guess I should go." Terezi muttered. Dave just nodded in return. I rolled my eyes, shoveling the rest of the cereal into my mouth. I set the bowl on the counter next to sink with a loud clang.

"No, I'll go." I said. Neither of them protested, although I'm sure Dave is silently cursing me for leaving him here with Terezi. Whatever, she'll be fine in a little while. I walked past the two of them, grabbing my shit off of the couch. I gave Dave a look, hoping that he could read my thoughts through it.

"See ya later, Karkat." Dave said with a short wave. To me, that really meant 'good luck with John and tell me what happens'. I nodded back at him, returning the wave.

"See you." I said. Hopefully to him, that translated as 'thanks for everything, I'll let you know'. Knowing Dave, it probably did translate. I gave Terezi a short nod before walking to and out the front door.

To think it was only Saturday.

000

My heart pounded in my chest as I stared at my phone. This is it. This is _really_ it.

The second I got home, I ran up to my room and locked myself in there. My parents weren't home, but it still added a little comfort to the shit storm I was planning to unfold. For about two hours now, I had sat on my bed and stared ay my phone, working up the courage to call John. Thankfully I still hadn't heard from Gamzee. He's either too ashamed to contact me or just too fucked up right now to talk. Either way, I'm fine without talking to him for a bit.

What if John can't come over today? I'll have to work up this nerve all over again and that could take months. What if I never work up the courage again? There are just too many thing that could go wrong. I reminded myself of my conversation with Dave last night. I remembered how not telling John is worse than telling him. I growled at myself for being so stupid and for putting this off for so long. Without a second thought, I punched in John's number from memory. I held the phone up to my head, my heart painfully throbbing after each ring.

"Hey Karkat! What's up?" John finally shouted when he answered. I could feel the knot and butterflies and all that shit going on. It took everything in me not to blurt it out right then.

"Are you busy today?" I asked, ignored him question. It was silent for a second.

"Hmm... not that I know of. Why, got something planned?" John asked. He sounded too happy for the conversation I was planning to have. I swallowed, trying to rid of the lump in my throat.

"Uh, yeah. I was wondering if you could come over." I said. It wasn't really a question because I knew he'd say yes.

"Yeah! I just gotta finish some chores and I'll head right over." John excitedly replied. It just made the sinking feeling worse.

"Ok, cool..." I mumbled. I was starting to feel really dizzy.

"You ok, Karkat?" John suddenly asked. He still sounded happy, but there was worry underneath it. I cleared my mind, not wanted to have John all up tight before he came over, too.

"Yeah, just tired. See you in a bit." I quickly said. Before he had the chance to reply, I hung up. I stared at the phone in my hand for a good few minutes before I let the situation really sink in.

John is on his way over. I'm going to tell him I love him. I might tell him what happened with Gamzee, but that might be too much for him. I scratched the idea of telling him about Gamzee. No one needs that much drama in one day. The important thing is, John is on his way over. Right now.

What am I going to do?


	10. Yes Or No

Holy shit, what am I going to do? John is going to be here any minute.

I paced about my living room, frantically searching my brain for the right thing to do. I could still wimp out, could pretend like I wasn't going to do it. The more I thought about that possibility, the more wrong it felt. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about either of the situations. Now I'm just going in circles because I'm seriously fucked and I don't know what to do.

I couldn't stop pacing. I tried sitting down, but I just became fidgety. It was annoying. I was starting to wheeze a little bit from pacing around in circles so much. After what felt like for fucking ever – it couldn't have been more than ten minutes - I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I jumped, fishing it out and flipping it open. I groaned when I saw it was a text from Gamzee.

TC: kArKaT i'M sOrRy, Ok? CaN wE tAlK?

I growled to myself, deleting the message and throwing my phone on the couch. That's probably not the best way to treat my phone, but I don't really care right now. Gamzee is just adding to my anxiety and worry and life. I continued to pace until I heard the doorbell ring.

My heart nearly jumped out of my throat at the sound. It felt like someone had stabbed me with a shot of adrenaline. Suddenly, I couldn't move at all. My feet refused to move. When the doorbell rang a second time, I had to force myself to move towards it. I grabbed the handle, throwing the door open. John stood on the other side, that familiar derpy smile smeared across his face. He waved at me.

"Hey Karkat!" He exclaimed, pushing past me and into my house. I slowly closed the door behind us, dragging my feet to catch up to him. John had wandered into the living room, dancing to himself a little bit. I don't know why he's so energetic, but it made me depressed thinking about ruining it.

"John, you can sit if you want." I mumbled. It felt like I was wheezing. John didn't seem to notice. He turned around and faced me. That smile hadn't left his face yet. John just swung his arms around a little bit. He reminded me of a little kid.

"Nah, I'm ok. You called me over here to do something, right? So sitting defeats the purpose!" John happily replied. I nervously laughed at his response, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. I tried my best not to look at him, but it was really fucking hard.

"Yeah..." I quietly said. This giant seed of dread was growing in my chest now, weighing down my thoughts and my actions. John must have picked up on something since he awkwardly shuffled around.

"So what's up, Karkat?" John asked. His voice was so happy, his smile radiating into my fucking soul. I could hardly breathe; my mind was filled with how much I loved him. Maybe that's why I decided to be the biggest idiot in the world.

"I love you." I blurted. Ok, not what I was planning to say brain, but it worked. I was able to say it. I expected my voice to sound shaky, unsure, and scared. It didn't. I sounded a hell of a lot stronger than I felt. John stared at me for a moment, his smile fading for a second before he let out a nervous laugh.

"I love you, too, Karkat, no ho-"

"For the love of God, Egbert, don't say 'no homo'." I shot at him. I was trying really fucking hard not to burst into tears. John kept staring at me, his smile long gone by now. His eyes were all wide and confused looking.

"Karkat-?"

"I love you, ok? _I love you._ That's why I called you over here." I said, a sudden jolt of anger rushing through me. I don't really know why I'm so pissed off, but I am. John should know I'm being serious. He should know what 'I love you' means. I should not have to explain myself. I let out a disgruntled sigh, slumping down into the loveseat behind me. I could feel John's eyes on me. I tried my best to ignore him.

"Karkat..." John trailed. I kept my eyes glued to the ground, too afraid and ashamed to look at him. I heard John shift around a little.

"I just... had to tell you." I mumbled, trying my best to get my thoughts back together. I really wanted to look at him, read John's face, try and figure out what he's thinking. I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I kept blinking, hoping that would stop my sudden urge to cry like a pussy. It wasn't helping.

I heard John shuffle around a bit. My eyes remained elsewhere. All of a sudden, John was kneeling down in my line of sight. My eyes widened as I looked at him. I chose to look at the corner of his face instead of his eyes. Then, without warning, he reached up and grabbed my face. I _had_ to look at him at this point.

His face was very close to mine at this point. Not kissing-close, but close enough to make me nervous. His fingers felt cold against my hot face. John's eyes were wide as well, searching my face for an answer I probably can't give him. I wish I could say his eyes were the colour of the sky, but that's not right. It seems more appropriate to say that the sky is the colour of his eyes. I really love them. I'd love to see them without his glasses…

John leaned in again, this time resting his forehead on my own. I just sat there like a dumbass, not moving or saying anything. Thankfully, Egbert had closed his eyes by now. I stared back at his closed lids, the sudden urge to brush his stupid long bangs away. I back my head off just a slight, John's eyes flying open. I reached up to his hair, brushing it out of his face.

It was then I realized just how close we were. John was practically lying on top of me, awkwardly sprawled out across the floor and loveseat. His eyes weren't as wide anymore, his hands going slightly limp on my face. I could feel his panicked intakes of air on my face. I just stared at him for a moment. I opened my mouth to speak, even if it came out sounding stupid. I wanted to say something, _anything_ , but before I could John spoke up.

"So you really love me?" John stammered. I tried not to get angry at that because I only said it three fucking times. I nodded my head.

"Yes." I said in this real quiet voice. It almost felt like a whisper. I watched John as that confirmation sunk in. His eyes widened a little, a slight blush coming to his face. After a few seconds of that, John's face fell slightly. His previously bright blue eyes didn't appear as bright. He took his hands off of me, struggling to get up off the floor. He stood up, arms crossed over his chest like he was cold. I watched him, my mind completely numb.

"I… need to think."

Those words stung me. It hurt worse than him telling me I was an awesome friend. I couldn't breathe. I'm sure he could hear me wheezing now. I kept my eyes on him, struggling to find the right words to say. What is there to say to _that?_

"What?" I finally said. I saw John doing that nervous lip-biting thing he tends to do.

"I just need to think." John said, quieter this time. I just sat there, continuing to be a dumbass. My whole body had gone numb. My brain felt like it had been shut off. I don't know how long I sat there and stared at him. Time didn't really seem to exist anymore.

Eventually, John did leave. He said something to me before he left. I honestly can't remember what it was. I heard the front door close behind him. After that, I don't really know. I just sat on my couch in a comatose-like state. I'm sure I fell asleep at one point, but I'll never be sure. I don't even know how long I was there. I remember trying to get up and drag myself to my room. I didn't want my parents to come home and see me like this. They probably wouldn't care very much, but whatever. Instead of making it to my room, I just ended up on the floor next to the loveseat. No amount of energy could force me to move at this point.

Out of nowhere – or so it felt – my phone began to vibrate. It was loud against the hardwood floor, since it was still in my pocket. When it didn't stop vibrating, I fished it out of my pocket. I glared at my phone, watching it vibrate in my hand for a minute. In big blocky letter it read "GAMZEE". Before it had a chance to go to voicemail, I answered it.

" _What?"_ I screamed. I didn't mean to sound like a complete ass. I hadn't even thought about screaming at him. It just came out that way. The other line was quiet for a minute before I heard Gamz give a painful-sounding wheeze.

"Karkat, I'm sor-"

"You know what, Gamzee? I really don't care. I just don't care about what happened anymore." I cut Gamzee off. I was only half-lying. I _did_ care about what had happened. John is just more important. Gamzee sniffled.

"Really? Everything's fine?" He asked. He was acting like a child and it was starting to piss me off.

"Yes, Gamzee, everything's _fine_." I hotly replied. I heard him sigh in relief.

"That's just awesome, motherfucker. Life is beautiful now. Friendship is beautiful…" Gamz trailed. I suddenly missed his childish behavior. I guess I'll just have to deal with "normal" Gamzee for today.

"Yeah, whatever." I mumbled. The way I was laying on the ground was starting to hurt. I heard Gamzee give a short laugh.

"It sounds like life's been treating you fucking awesome." Gamzee said. I snorted, hoping that he hadn't of heard it because it was really unattractive.

"It's been amazing, Gamzee. Glad you could join me."

"What's up, motherfucker?" Gamzee asked. I like how we can both have mental breakdowns and pretend like nothing happened. That must be true friendship right there.

"Well, you were right about me liking someone."

"John, right?" Gamzee said without missing a beat. I wish that he was here with me so I could punch him in the face.

"Oh my God, since it's 'Let's tell everyone Day', yes. I like John. I told said person that I like him." I growled. Gamzee made a clicking noise on the other end. I hate it when he does that clicking noise. It sounds gross.

"I assume it didn't go well?" Gamz asked. I was going to reply 'no you fucking idiot, of course not', but then I stopped myself. Had it gone _that_ badly? John said that he needed to think about it. It sounds ominous, but it could be good. We had that weird moment going on, too. That was a good sign, right? It had to be. I tried to pick an answer for Gamzee, but nothing seemed to fit. I settled for the dumbest one.

"I don't know."

000

I didn't go to school that Monday.

The mere _thought_ of seeing John made me want to cry. No, not cry. Punch a wall. That's a bit manlier. Either way, I decided to skip out on school and wallow in self-pity again. I just sat in my room all day, watching terrible movies – even by my standards. I thought that watching some movies I'd never seen before would be enough to distract me from John. It wasn't. It just made me angry and nervous.

Late in the afternoon, as I was trolling on some websites, I got a message. My computer made that annoying blipping sound. I don't know why I have it set to that. I should probably change it. I looked down at the massage bar, groaning to myself when I saw it was from Dave.

TG: dude you werent at school today johns been freaking out.

CG: I DON'T CARE ABOUT JOHN, OK?

TG: dont tell me you already told him?

TG: jesus christ when you said youll tell him ii thought itd be a few weeks.

TG: not the next fucking day.

CG: YEAH, WELL, I KNEW I'D CHICKEN OUT. SO I TOLD HIM THAT I LOVE HIM.

TG: holy shit karkat, why? thats to much info for one day.

TG: well hes been asking me all day where you are. i guess thats why he wouldnt text you himself.

CG: YEAH WELL I'M FUCKING STUPID. I DECIDED TO BE THE BRAVE ONE AND TELL HIM.

CG: NOW HE PROBABLY HATES ME.

I had to force myself to stop. I may hate myself right now, but that doesn't mean anyone else should know that. Especially not Dave. Plus I'm probably just being an irrational dick about this. Either way, I still feel like John probably hates me.

TG: did you not read my fucking message?

TG: i told you hes been asking about you all day. all day, karkat.

TG: if he hated you, why would he ask?

Dave just made a very good point. If John did really hate me, he wouldn't have worried so much. Well, maybe he would have. He's a pretty caring person. Besides, John doesn't really hate anyone. I mean, he has that weird thing about Betty Crocker, but he's not so psycho about it anymore. Still, Dave's right. That's a good thing, right? It has to be.

CG: I DON'T KNOW.


	11. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (original chapter notes from 2012)
> 
> A/N: I haven't really decided what I'm going to do with this chapter quite yet. Hopefully it comes out alright. Anyway, thank you everyone for the amazing reviews! One in particular meant a lot to me. Ghinzity said that this story was just as good as "The Buzzing of a Bee" (my absolute FAVOURITE Homestuck fan fiction ever written. Ever). That meant/means a lot to me because I'm actually very self-conscious about my writing and such. Thank you very much! This chapter is dedicated to you, Ghinzity! :) Anyway, please let me know what you guys think!
> 
> The song that Karkat is listening to is Lina Magic by 3D Friends. I really love that song, thanks to US Skins.

"Karkat, get up."

"No."

"I swear to God, Karkat, I'll throw my spider on you."

"Don't do that, you bitch!"

I don't really know why Vriska is here. It's not her job to check on me when I miss school. Just because I've missed three days doesn't mean I need to be checked up on anyway. It's not like Vriska and I are super close. We hardly talk anymore, not since high school started. Apparently she still has that weird obsession with spiders.

"I won't throw her on you if you get up." Vriska said, towering over me. I wrapped my blankets around me even tighter, trying to squish my body into my bed. I don't want to get up. I want to stay here in my warm cocoon and never move again. I heard Vriska sigh in annoyance before I felt my blankets being ripped from me.

"Vriska, what the hell?" I yelled at her. She just rolled her eyes at me as she grabbed my shirt, dragging me across the bed. I squirmed around, trying to escape her.

"Just stop being an asshole, ok? Tavros is downstairs with Gamzee and Sollux right now, trying his best to not be awkward. So get up, get dressed, and come downstairs. _Now._ " Vriska commanded. I don't normally listen to anything anyone has to say – unless it's John, of course – but the way she said it made me shiver. The stupid spider bitch sure has a way with intimidation.

"Fine." I grumbled. That seemed to satisfy her. Vriska let go of me, smiling to herself as she turned around. I sighed, looking away from her and trying to figure out how to get out of this mess. I turned just in time to see her throw a T-shirt at me. I caught it before it hit me.

"Get dressed. You better be down in five minutes." Vriska commanded. I shot her another dirty look before she stalked out of my room, slamming the door behind her. I leaned over my bed, picking up a stray shirt from the pile on the floor. I groaned as I realized it'd take energy to put it on.

She better have something good planned or I'm going to be pissed.

000

"Vriska, I'm really pissed off right now."

"Shut up, Karkat. Enjoy yourself for once." She snapped. I growled at her.

These assholes thought it'd be super fun to go to the public park. There's nothing fun to do here. It's mainly just a bunch of loud kids running around and old people. Two things I really hate in the world mashed into one place. I heard Sollux let out a snort. I gazed off into the distance, watching Gamzee push Tavros around in his wheelchair. I'm just going to assume that Gamzee didn't tell Tav about… whatever. Otherwise, Tavros would be pretty upset. It's not that I care or anything.

"Karkat, we brought you here so you could get out of the house." Sollux mumbled. Vriska nodded her head in agreement. I refused to look at them.

"Well, I quiet enjoyed being a loser and staying at home." I grumbled. Vriska turned her head towards me.

"That's not the only reason, Karkat. We wanted to get you out of this stupid rut."

"I'm not in a rut…" I mumbled, glaring at Vriska. Who the hell does she think she is?

"Yes you are! You're depressed because you don't think John loves you back." Vriska snapped. I balled my hands into fists, trying my best to not punch her in the face. She really knows how to get on my nerves.

"Does _everyone_ know?" I grumbled. It was more to myself than them. Sollux just shrugged as Vriska nodded her head. Sollux let out a sigh as he leaned forward just a bit.

"Remember when I liked Aradia?" Sollux asked. I shot him a look. Vriska gave him a confused look, too.

"No."

"That's because I never told anyone. I liked her a lot. I even told her that. The thing is, I knew that she didn't like me back, but I told her anyway." Sollux mumbled. He had this far away look. I just glared at him.

"Is there a point to this?" I snapped.

"I think what numb-nuts is trying to say if that it's obvious that John likes you." Vriska replied for Sollux. I just stared at the two of them.

"I'm pretty fucking sure John doesn't like me back."

"Of course you're sure. You don't see it." Sollux snapped. I stared at him, my eyes slightly wide and mouth open just a tad.

"What?"

"It's painfully obvious to everyone else that he likes you. He might not realize it, but he does." Vriska replied before Sollux could. I rolled my eyes as I looked away from them.

"Since when did you become so observant, Vriska?" I sarcastically asked. I looked back at her. I wish I hadn't of said that now.

She had this look on her face that made me want to cry a little. She was staring off into space. I followed her gaze, my own landing on Gamzee and Tavros a little ways away from us. Gamz was pushing him around in a circle, trying to catch what looked like a butterfly. My eyes snapped back towards Vriska. A small smile had formed on her face, but she looked far from happy. I wanted to say something, anything, to make her feel better. Nothing came to mind.

"You know, it's good that you told him. It would have been miserable otherwise." Vriska mumbled. I stared at her for another moment, my brain going dumb apparently.

"How do you know?" I quietly asked her. I followed her gaze again, realizing that her eyes weren't set on Gamzee and Tavros. They were only on Tavros. Suddenly everything she said earlier clicked together.

"Trust me, Karkat, I know."

000

I could feel my music pulsing through my body. It's times like this I'm glad my parents are gone almost all the time.

After going to the park with everyone, I was sent back into a deep depression. I know they were trying to make me feel better in their own ways, but it somehow made me feel worse. Sollux's story depressed the hell out of me. Vriska made me want to cry. Gamzee and Tavros being oblivious to everything made me want to punch things. It's a horrendous cycle.

So now I'm just lying on my bed, my music as loud as it can go before it gives me a headache. I know I could have it louder, but I want to hear when my parents come home. I don't really want anyone to hear the girly music I listen to.

The bass was up so loud it made my floor vibrate. It made my ribs rattle. It made me feel so much better and worse about myself. It made me think about how much I wanted John to be here to experience this with me. It made me wish I had never told John anything in the first place.

Just as I was thinking those things, I heard a knock at my door. I growled as I rolled over, thinking it was just my parents. I turned the dial on my stereo done just a bit, hoping that would please them. It didn't. I heard another knock, this time louder.

"Go away! I turned it down!" I screamed over the music. There was another loud bang. With another growl, I pushed myself up off of my bed, storming over to the door. A song started to play that reminded me of John. This day has been awful.

"What do you want?" I screamed as I opened the door, expected my mom or dad to be standing on the other side. Instead, I came almost face-to-face with none other than John Egbert.

I couldn't breathe. John just stood there with this weird look on his face. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed, his lips all chewed up and swollen looking. It looked like he hadn't slept well in a few days. I wanted to reach out and touch him, hug him, _something_ him, but I couldn't. It was almost like I had been frozen in time.

"Karkat…" John trailed. Just hearing his voice made my heart pound painfully in my chest. My heart was pounding along with the music. I couldn't take my eyes away from John's. Everything in me _screamed_ to reach out and touch him.

Almost in time with the musk, just as the song reached its climax, John reached across the threshold of my door and grabbed me. I opened my mouth to say something, _anything_ , but nothing came out. John pulled me forward, crashing into me. Without him having to say anything, I tilted my head up as he leaned down to kiss me. Our lips collided in a cliché-perfect way.

Everything was kind of a blur after that. I pulled John into my room, the door slamming behind us. Our mouths eventually opened, tongues touching and all that shit. It wasn't really a fight for who was in control. It was just us sloppily making out. Somehow we collided into my bed, John falling on top of me. He gently pushed his body against mine, running his hands ever so carefully across my chest and sides.

It was then I chose the worst moment to remember what happened with Gamzee.

The last person to kiss me like this was Gamzee. The last person to touch me like this was Gamzee. The last person to _anything_ me was Gamzee. It made me want to throw up. It made me feel like a whore, although I'm not sure why. I stopped my movements and pulled away from John. I could feel the bile building up. John pulled away from me, giving me a confused look. I tried my best to fight the rising puke, but I couldn't.

I pushed John off of me, running out of my room. I almost ran into the door, forgetting that it was closed. I ran down the hall, skidding into the bathroom. I heard movement behind me.

"Karkat?" I heard John call. I threw the toilet lid open, barely enough time to throw up in it. I really hate throwing up. The majority of it ends up coming out of my nose. I coughed several times before letting out another stomach full. I was aware that John was at the door, watching me as I threw up.

"It's not you!" I shouted when I was done. I was trying really hard to catch my breath. Tears were starting to fall from the burning sensation in my throat and nose.

What a great way to start a relationship.

000

"I think… I'm ok with it." John trailed. I stared at him with wide eyes. He can't be serious, can he?

I told him about Gamzee. I told him right after I threw up. I just sat there next to the toilet, crying from the pain of throwing up and the embarrassment it caused. I couldn't stop running the goddamn mouth. Eventually, John helped me off of the floor. He helped me brush my teeth, got me back to my room. He sat me down on my bed, gently rubbing my back. After I calmed down, there was an awkward silence for a really long time.

"Really?" I quietly asked with a sniffle. John slowly nodded his head. A faint smile appeared on his face.

"Yeah. I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. You know, I wasn't sure at first how I felt. For a long time, I've always thought you were handsome and nice in your own way and attractive on some odd level."

"Thanks, John, that makes me feel awesome." I interrupted with a snort. John just let out a dry laugh.

"Let me finish! I thought for a really long time. It's all I've been thinking about the past few days. And then, driving home one day, it just _hit_ me. I knew that I liked you, too. It might even be love, but I don't know quite yet." John sheepishly said. I stared at him. I could see the faint outline of my reflection in his glasses.

"That sounds familiar…" I mumbled. John looked up at me.

"What?"

"Never mind." I said with a laugh. John just rolled his eyes at me.

"You're so weird sometimes. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, Karkat. I just… I thought I had waited too long to tell you. I thought that maybe you hated me for not telling you the second I realized it…" John trailed. I had to look away from him at this point.

"If it makes you feel better, I waited _years_ to tell you."

"No! That makes me sad." John said, not missing a beat. I looked back at him. His eyes were all sad and crap. His mouth was pulled into a tight frown, his eyebrows turned upwards slightly. Even though he looked so sad, I couldn't help but find this situation hilarious. I tried my best to hold back my laughter, but I couldn't help it.

I laughed. I laughed right in John's face. It felt so good to laugh. John stared at me in confusion for a moment. Eventually, he broke down, too, and started to laugh along with me. It felt good to do this together. It felt good to have things back to normal, even though things will never be quite the same. I'm ok with that this time around.

As my laughter started to subside, John leaned towards me. Before I could react, his lips connected with mine. This kiss wasn't as heated or needy as it was earlier. It was just a simple kiss, almost like it was sealing the deal. I inwardly smiled and kissed John back.

I've never been this happy in my life.

**Author's Note:**

> Woah holy crap this is a lot shorter than I thought it was going to be. I know it probably doesn't seem like it's from Karkat's POV, but it's hard typing like him. D: Especially swearing all the time. So I hope that I did ok. Honestly though, I don't hate Dave. I really love him. It's just going to make for a good story. Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think!


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